Counterfeit Spyro the Dragon Posters

If you’re this far into this website and my articles you may have picked up a subtle hint that I’m a dragon fan. Actually, this is still a pretty new website so maybe you haven’t been able to really read into this place yet but regardless of that my penname is “Dracophile” so that has to be worth something. If I told you I didn’t have the gayest man-crush ever on Spyro the Dragon then I would be lying to you and liars go to Hell. When The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon was released in 2008 a bunch of various merchandise tie-ins came out with it including a couple of theater-sized poster prints of Spyro the Dragon himself. I wanted those posters. Really bad. Various online retailers and sellers on eBay had some for sale but at the time I didn’t have the funds to acquire them.

When I finally had the disposable income I had put away specifically for “super smexy dragon posters” I found that not a whole lot of people were selling them anymore which was depressing. I dug around and then I finally found a seller on eBay who had not only both of the posters but had them at a few bucks cheaper than I remember them being. I was floored when I checked out the listing; it seemed like everything matched up and that I was going to get those nifty Spyro prints I wanted.

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Above: Sexy.

Problems arose about a week into this ordeal when I contacted the seller and asked where the posters were since if they were being shipped inside the country I should’ve had them by then.

“All of my merchandise is sent out of a warehouse in Hong Kong,” he replied.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU–

At that very moment in time I realized that this whole transaction was going to be some kind of trainwreck of bad and when those posters arrived it would be beneficial to my well-being to just mark that thing “RETURN TO SENDER” and get my money back. However against my intuition I decided to open the poster tube when it came in a week later just for the hell of it. This is what was inside.

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Diet sexy. Just one calorie.

You might look at that and say “That looks like Spyro to me, Dracophile. Why are you whining about it?” I’m glad you did, because let me ask you to re-observe the actual image at the beginning of this article. Have a look at that color fade; yeah, it looks like someone hit the Sepia tone button in Photoshop but didn’t quite slide the intensity bar over all the way. The second poster is equally as bad if not moreso; but let’s not harp on the color intensity (or the apparent lack thereof) because this party bus has only just begun its journey out of the fun station. Check out the vertical lines going through these babies. There’s more vertical nonsense going on here than in all thirteen X-Games combined.

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More vertical than Tony Hawk.

The auction listing touted these as being “professionally printed”, no joke; but I’m a forgiving person so I’m willing to blame this one on something lost in translation. In the United States “professionally printed” means just that, it’s something that came from a well-maintained press; hell, you could even claim the $5 Jonas Brothers posters at fucking Wal-Mart are professionally printed but I’m going to take an alternate route and just say they’re value-priced dart boards. “Professionally printed” in Hong Kong actually means (and this is 100% true because I used Google Translator on it) “when we sent this to the print queue that little message popped up about the printer being low on ink but we just clicked ‘OK’ and printed it anyways hope you don’t mind”. How anybody could take a look at that poster and mark it anything other than “Scratch N’ Dent clearance sale” is simply asking for more negative feedback than eBay will allow someone to give for one transaction.

I’m going to pull a Billy Mays here and say that if you call right now I’ll triple the offer. Yes, you heard me right there’s a third major point here that I feel is going to complete the sell to you that this is one of the best articles currently hosted on this website. Take a look at this:

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Wanna bet GameWallpapers.com doesn’t know about this?

Yes, those are copyright-fucking-watermarks. I mean, I know it goes without saying that when things are coming out of Asia there’s a solid chance they might be counterfeits or knock-offs but to what extent do they make it glaringly obvious? Seeing two watches side by side with one named “ROLEX” and the other “ROLEK” might actually appear to be the same to an unsuspecting person until they eventually spot the letter “K” and make the connection and likewise there’s a plethora of iPod knock-offs that look almost identical to the real thing but not quite. Whoever is forcing nine-year-olds to make these posters decided to take a hint from the guy who did the box art for Okami and not even bother to remove the original watermarks. Let’s look at it this way, at least we can’t give him the same grief we gave Eric Bauman in the early 00’s with his stupid eBaum’s World watermarks. You know which ones I’m talking about.

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Spoiler: Look near the mouth.

This story does have a happy ending however, despite the near 900-word chunk of dragon nerdrage up above. After contacting the seller and basically sending him a carbon copy of this article minus the witty anecdotes (I put the words “PayPal claim” in their places) he refunded me the money I had spent and said I could hang onto the posters. Actually wait, I lied; I think I said something along the lines of “I can’t justify hanging these in a garage” and then I CTRL+V’d the phrase “PayPal claim” about fifty times. “PayPal” is the magic word when it comes to eBay drama because PayPal actually couldn’t give any less of a crap about their customers, especially those who get enough negative feedback and complaints because they can and will kill your account and not give you your money. Saying “PayPal claim” is like putting an e-gun to someone’s head and demanding something. It works.

So here I am now back where I started… plus two posters. I think I’ll go hang them in the garage.

– Dracophile