Walmart Employee Codes
I feel that since a lot of RFSHQ viewers are from the wonderful land known as the United “We’ll Blow Up Your Fucking Country” States that we’re all familiar with Wal-Mart in some form or another. For our foreign readers, or for the Americans who haven’t left their houses since the dinosaurs were here, Wal-Mart can best be described as a cancerous growth in the body of capitalism. Once it latches hold in a town it basically sucks everything dry (and in some cases pollutes the hell out of the environment in the process) and most local stores fold due to competition. Wal-Mart was originally created by a lazy old guy who had the sudden thought “gee I wonder what would happen if we combined a grocery store, a clothing market, an auto shop, a plant nursery, and some really disgusting customers and turned it into a store”.
The point I am eventually going to get to here is that Wal-Mart is a massive entity full of a bunch of never-used “security codes” that managers can announce on the loudspeaker to sound all cool and live out their wildest Tom Cruise Mission Impossible fantasies with. If you’ve ever walked into a Wal-Mart before you’ve probably seen the notebook paper sized “CODE ADAM” sticker that they have next to the doors. What “Code Adam” means, when spoken on the PA system, is that there’s been a child abduction. Yes, some people are stupid enough to think that you can buy children at Wal-Mart. Honestly I don’t know if I would be offended or honored if Wal-Mart named a special code after me if I was kidnapped right out of their store. You would think that maybe they would have had a system already in place in case something like that happened; they could have called it something like “Code Some Pedophile Just Jacked A Kid From The Store”.
Aside from the kiddy diddler code there are a few other codes that they have to throw around with creative names like “Red”, “Blue”, “Green”, and “1”. Some of them are obvious; “Code Red”, while also the name of a delicious soda, is their secret term for “HOLY SHIT FIRE” (because saying “fire” is too much work and studies show that you can pay employees less and they will still be willing to name basic colors). This article is meant to shed some light on some lesser-used codes that Wal-Mart has at their disposal. Next time you’re in the store hang around and see if you can hear any of these in use.
Code Transit: A person weighing over 400 pounds has burned out the motor in one of the electric shopping carts.
Code Forklift: A person weighing over 750 pounds has burned out the motor in one of the electric shopping carts and is so fat that he is currently melting over every edge of the cart.
Code Purple: Prince albums are currently on sale.
Code 300: Dangerous use of overused Internet meme jokes.
Code Lyoko: This is not a code so much as it’s really just a name of a DVD in their inventory.
Code Snickers: Somebody crapped on the floor in the bathroom again.
Code Crimson: One of the unskilled employees has severed his hand or other limb in the industrial meat cutter in the deli.
Code Tyler: This was the predecessor to “Code Adam”, but everyone thought Tyler was an asshole so they dropped this in favor of Adam.
Code Physics: A dangerously obese man has somehow destroyed a toilet in the restroom and plumbing assistance is required.
Code Black: Television theft.
Code White: “Everybody clean your shit up the health inspector is here!”
Code Sample: Usually followed by a department number; someone is sampling food without paying for it.
Code Orbit: A mother of at least five or more kids has just entered the store with the mother on a motor cart and the kids acting like an orbiting mass of destruction, obliterating everything they come into contact with.
Code America: A customer has entered the store and appears as the textbook definition of “terrorist”. All employees are ordered to stalk this customer.
Code 75: An older customer, likely senile, has become disoriented and is currently wandering around the store with his pants down.
Code Trump: Everyone is fired.
Code Hammer: All employees are ordered to stop what they are doing and perform a synchronized dance to whatever is playing over the loudspeaker. They are also urged to waste their paycheck the second they cash it.
Code Produce: Apple released another fucking iPod, time to throw the old models into the bargain bin outside the electronics department.
Code Blue: Police officers have just entered the store as customers. It is suggested that the bakery gets to work on more donuts.
Code Frank: ZOMBIES.