Energizing Energy Drinks Part 4

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Believe it or not Energizing Energy Drinks was one of the most successful series of articles on RFSHQ which means that we’re doing something right for once. Obviously, bad energy drinks translates into profit so now we have an encore performance starring three new energy drinks taken from the bargain store shelves of hell. Amongst the ranks of lost dreams and wages lay a stock of food and perishables on the brink of expiration if it weren’t for the fact that they are all sealed in airtight cans and bags. Welcome to hell, welcome to my hell.

We’ll be bringing back the old standard of judging the drinks. By this of course, I mean: Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and Energy Received.

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“Ace”

Appearance: Adorned with graphics likely pulled off of World War II fighter planes, Ace is not only a pilot reference, but also a poker reference as well. The can comes complete with a sexy nurse, some bullet holes and rivets, some American graphics, and a tiny little hatch where a “fire extinguisher” is supposed to be.

Ingredients: There is no flavor given to Ace but a quick browsing of the ingredients on the side of the can reveals pear, apple, pineapple, passion fruit, and mango. All of this, and of course the fact that there is only 10% juice, the other 90%, mind you, is bullshit. Without any kind of flavors mentioned, Ace goes on to proclaim that it’s “a dog fight out there” and once you “throw down an Ace” you’ll get a “physical and mental boost”. It sounds like cocaine if you ask me. It has all of this topped off with an orange pop top.

Smell: Perhaps it’s just me, but Ace smells a lot like some kind of toothpaste that’s heavily flavored with mango and passion fruit. I’ve consumed at least forty-eight tons of fruit cocktail in my life so far so I know my fruits when I smell them. I have also watched the Logo channel… but not out of choice I swear.

Taste: The second Ace hit my tongue I was met with sheer bitterness like you can’t imagine. If you were able to concentrate a few pounds of Pixy Stix powder into a liquid and put it into a can, this is exactly what Ace tastes like. It has both the aftertaste of a handful of powdered candy along with that curious sting left over from using mouthwash. If you can muscle your way past the mix of sour and dollar store confectioneries, Ace doesn’t taste as bad as some of the other stuff I’ve drank.

Energy Received: I’m not about to grow jet boosters out of my ass and take off but at the same time I’m having a difficult time keeping a straight line of thought here. Maybe it’s the ungodly amounts of Riboflavin.

Rating: 8/10

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“Rush!”

Appearance: Rush has the appearance of cheap beer for some reason, it reminds me of a can of Keystone Light… not like I drink it or anything. The first thing I pick up on right away is that this is a bilingual energy drink. Everything aside from the name itself is in English and Spanish. Speaking of the name, what kind of a name is “Rush!” anyways? Every time I see it I immediately think of the Rush racing series of games and their silly little “Russssssssshhhh!” catchphrase they say before every race. In fact, now that I think of it, I can hear a distant “IT’S DANGEROUS!” as I contemplate opening the can.

Ingredients: Rush apparently is advertising some different stuff than other drinks which include “d-ribose, l-carnitine, choline, taurine, d-ribose, and l-carnitine”; all of these sound like the radioactive isotopes that Chernobyl shit into the atmosphere. Whatever “d-ribose” and “l-carnitine” is, they must be important because they are in here twice and I’m pretty sure that’s not a Spanish translation unless of course it’s in Spanish already, I really don’t know what any of those mean. Oddly enough, Rush holds all of this together with a pretty little blue pop top. Is this becoming a fad?

Smell: Rush smells exactly like the berry blue flavor of Jell-o. Bill Cosby would be proud.

Taste: It has the taste of that blue Jell-o for just a second, and then it switches over to the intense sour flavor of pineapples and nectarines minus the actual flavor and with about twice the sour of course. The can tells me that this should be “exciting my senses” but right now it’s furiously kicking them in the testicles and yes my senses have testicles. It’s becoming safe to assume anything toting a colored can opener top is going to be incredibly sour.

Energy Received: As I type this it’s leaving the aftertaste of Cracker Jack in my mouth. I suddenly am energized with the motivation to go out and buy a delicious popcorn and peanut snack.

Rating: 7/10

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“Rip It”

Appearance: Rip It looks like it’s the bastard child of an orgy of surf shops and 13 year olds with Photoshop. Rip It has a minimalist approach to its design and I don’t know if that’s intentional or they just hired someone with no design talent whatsoever. If anything, with a name like “Rip It” you’d think they would have a more in your face design.

Ingredients: Rip It is apparently “A’tomic Pom” – not sure why there’s a random apostrophe in the word “atomic”, but I am fairly certain it’s all in the name of looking cool. Using all of about 38 seconds of logical thought I am assuming “Pom” is short for pomegranate which is some bizarre fruit. I saw an episode of Good Eats about the pomegranate and all I learned was basically that a pomegranate comes from outer space and is a giant foam ball full of red water balloons. Speaking of red, maybe it’s time I point out the nice little red pop top. God damn it.

Smell: Rip It has no real noticeable smell unless you physically try to shove your nose as far down into the can as possible. Five minutes and a few aluminum cuts later I can safely conclude that Rip It smells like grape jelly beans.

Taste: There certainly are no traces of foam or balloons which means that Alton Brown lied to me. To be honest I’ve never eaten a pomegranate (or seen one for that matter) so I can’t tell you if this is accurate or not. What I will say however is that this just tastes like any kind of generic fruit juice that you can buy at Wal-Mart. It’s not bad, but then again it’s not the greatest thing ever. Compared to some of the other disgusting shit in previous articles it’s safe to say that this installment has been the least unpleasant so far.

Energy Received: I have the sudden urge to watch The X-Files while playing E.T. on the Atari 2600 at the same time.

Rating: 7/10

 

Among the ranks of nasty fetid mixtures such as Clamato and Von Dutch I suppose there really are some drinks that won’t put you in the hospital for a few days. Aside from some bizarre flavor choices (or lack thereof) and aftertastes everything shown in this article is less painful to consume than everything from the original three Energizing Energy Drinks pieces. I’m not about to suggest that you go out and buy these by the case because if anything I’d think ingesting that must artificial pineapple flavoring would kill a horse.

– Dracophile