The Nutrisystem Challenge Part 2

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Last time on RFSHQ, I sampled three products from the Nutrisystem “Nourish” menu of diet food. I really don’t know why they call their system “nourish” when all it really does is metaphorically kick your stomach in the balls. Either way in the name of comedy the show must go on, and today I will be consuming, or trying to consume, three more products.

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“Chocolate Peanut Butter Dessert Bar”

I’ve seen the commercials before: “OH MY GOD CHOCOLATE WHAT KIND OF DIET IS THIS WOW NUTRISYSTEM MUST RULE I MEAN CHOCOLATE HOLY SHIT.” I’m very skeptical right now, since the last three things I have eaten have turned out to be absolutely horrible. On the outside this looks like a pretty cheap Snickers knock off and there’s no crazy guy with a guitar singing me a song about happy caramel and prancing nougats which is not helping my case here.

I opened the package and to my horror I see something that resembles a disgusting wet turd. I’m guessing it’s just because it may have gotten a little melted sitting next to the computer, and even if it’s not I am going to keep telling myself that. As I took a bite I quickly realized this wasn’t chocolate. This wasn’t even close to that imitation chocolate in that cheap Easter candy. This tasted like a horrible trail mix granola bar that was soggy and loaded with raisins. Unfortunately there aren’t any raisins in this bar.

Rating: 6/10

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“Cheddar Cheese Crunchy Curls”

In quite possibly the worst example of alliteration ever, this packaging stands out from the rest of Nutrisystem’s crap. This bag is very much an IN YOUR FACE marketing technique, which leads me to believe this was packaged in the 1990’s. I like how the bag says “Serving Suggestion”, like someone is really going to serve these cheese puffs by throwing them all over the floor.

I popped one of the curls into my mouth, and the taste was manageable. They tasted like the cheapest store-brand Cheetos that have ever been made, but they were not disgusting. However, a few seconds into eating some I began to “taste the smell” of old library books. I’m talking like, early 20th century encyclopedias here. Really old books, you know that smell they have. I tried ignoring it and ate some more cheese curls but the weird aroma of decomposing books put me off.

Rating: 6/10

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“Cheese & Garlic Pretzel Sticks”

I have already experienced these people’s idea of “pretzels” before, and I am not about to mindlessly believe that these are somehow real pretzels. Looking at the bag they look delicious. They don’t look like pretzels though. They look like breadsticks covered in cinnamon, which prompted me to rip the bag apart in a fury to get to the sugary goodness like some crack fiend.

I shouldn’t have opened the bag like that. A smell similar to a Pizza Hut exploding filled the computer area of my room. It smelled like pure garlic and salt, like if Super Mario himself farted in my face. It was enough to kill any vampire within 50 miles of my house. I almost refused to eat this but I forced myself to sample some in the hopes that it was all an elaborate joke. The taste was worse than the smell. They tasted like really old pizza that was room temperature, and crunchy. I’d seriously go back and eat the Melba toast. These sucked.

Rating: 2/10

And so ends another installment in the Nutrisystem saga. I guess it goes to show you not everything they make is disgusting, but that’s like saying that not everything you get out of a garbage dump is trash.

– Dracophile