REVIEW: Austin Powers: Oh, Behave! (GBC)

austinpowers-coverGame:
Austin Powers – Oh, Behave!

Developer:
Rockstar Games / Tarantula Studios

Genre:
Windows 98 Sim

Platform:
Game Boy Color

Released:
2000

When people mention Rockstar Games normally the first thing you think of is a vast open environment where you can steal cars, shoot black people, sell drugs, steal cars, and shoot more black people while selling drugs at the same time. Grand Theft Auto may have been a huge milestone in gaming history but before Rockstar Games was insanely popular and notorious, they were producing shit like this. Austin Powers – Oh, Behave obviously is a title that is tied-in with the popular series of Mike Myers movies and what better way to translate them into a game than to make a Game Boy Color title that is essentially a dumbed down version of Windows 98. I wish I was lying to you, I really, really do. This game is nothing more than a watered down parody of Windows 98 and — no surprise — it has about the same amount of functionality.

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SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE I’M NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE

Upon starting up the game you meet quite possibly the most boring, uninspired, and annoying introduction in video game history. “FAB-DOS]” is obviously a parody of MS-DOS and this boot up sequence is supposed to be funny or cute or something, but all I get out of it is a stream of clicking noises for each letter on the screen and Austin Powers screaming “YEAH BABY” with innuendo jokes every time the game “loads” a new function. The entire ordeal is painful at best, and it just will not fucking stop going on and on.

After FAB-DOS takes its jolly ol’ fucking time starting up (I guess it really is like Windows 98) you finally get to “play” the “game”. In this case “play” loosely translates to “enter a bunch of stupid fucking information while Austin Powers makes the same fucking jokes over and over again”. After you enter all your important agent information Austin briefs you on your mission: defeat Dr. Evil. How you do this using a shitty Windows emulator is beyond me, but at least you can actually do something with the game now.

Believe it or not for such a shitty game there’s a lot to cover so I’ll just go right down the menu in order that all of this crap appears. First things first, you get a cursor that you move with the directional pad; A is to click, and B turns on the screen saver. The little folder with the dice next to it is labeled “GAMES”, hopefully its contents are self-explanatory. Just like a real computer you have to click it twice to open it. Your “games” are as follows:

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NONE OF THIS IS REAL THIS IS NOT HAPPENING

Rock, Paper, Scissors: Rock paper scissors. ROCK PAPER FUCKING SCISSORS.

Mojo Maze: Hey have you ever played that one game before? Oh darn, what was it called? Oh wait I remember now. PAC-MAN? Have you ever played Pac-Man? Have you ever wanted to play a fucking marathon of Pac-Man starring Austin Powers? No? I don’t blame you.

Domination: You’d think with a name like “Domination” you’d be playing something that was at least remotely engaging. Instead it’s just a port of the board game Othello. So far we’ve got three games that are just shoddy ports and rip offs of existing games. Three strikes, you’re out, right? Wrong.

If you drag that little male symbol you’ll reveal one final game.

Platform Game: At least it’s not another stupid board game or old classic that’s been done and redone a million times. Whoever does the graphics for this game really needs to keep a uniform design or at least some kind of quality control because not only does Austin Powers look pregnant, he has an overbite so fucking huge that he gives the PBS logo a run for its money. In this platform game you jump around and shoot at enemies while collecting items scattered around the level. Instead of fighting Dr. Evil’s minions you get to shoot at spinning road cones, trash cans, and soccer balls.

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NO THIS IS NOT A THING THIS DOES NOT EXIST

Once you’ve tortured yourself with this title’s sorry excuse for “games” you’re pretty much done unless you have the irrepressible urge to fuck with the game’s settings and appearance. The folder under the games is called “GROOVY STUFF” and contains the following options:

Sounds: You can change the sounds that play when you do certain stuff in the Windows screens like minimizing and closing stuff. If you’ve ever wanted to hear “DO I MAKE YOUR RANDY BABY YEAH” when you click your mouse, this is most definitely where you want to be.

Cursors: If you can’t guess what this function does somehow I don’t think RFSHQ is the right place for you.

Color Scheme: This screen lets you change the four-color palette that makes up the bottom menu bar. The color choices can best be described as the mess you make when you decide to mix all of the little watercolor wafers into one color.

Screen Saver: If you’re actually playing this long enough to need a screen saver then I am truly worried about your overall well being and demeanor. There are two kinds of screen savers here, a bouncing logo, or an animated picture that looks like a stupid Livejournal avatar.

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WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON WHAT IT THIS

After you’re done wasting your life changing some menial settings that you’ll probably only notice once or twice you can then check out all of the programs listed, of course, in the “PROGRAMS” folder.

Austin’s Pad: Think of it like a multiplayer Notepad but instead of using a keyboard you’re inputting messages using the D-Pad. Sheer pain.

Internet: No, you can’t connect to the Internet using this game. Clicking the icon will play a fake modem dialing sound and take you to some interactive text boxes where you can read about the movies and characters in them. The game takes special care to use fake URL’s that end in .HTM, but of course the developers couldn’t help but lend a helping hand to the Somerset Hills Hotel by making Dr. Evil say “WWW.SHH.COM” every five seconds in the Domination game.

Shagulator: How else can you make a calculator appealing? Make a sex joke out of it. I hear if you look at “58008” upside down it spells out “BOOBS”. YEAH BABY SHAGADELIC.

Trading: This doesn’t do anything unless you have a friend with this game and a Link Cable as well. If you somehow persuaded your friend into buying this game then you’re a horrible person.

Sample Player: Taking up extra space on the cartridge is a plethora of barely audible and static-ridden sound bits and quotes from the movie. This is also just another list of the same sounds that randomly play when you do stuff in the game.

Statistics: If you’ve ever wanted to know how many times you lost at Rock Paper Scissors then here’s your Hall of Shame.

Movie Clip: This is without a doubt one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen, and sadly this is probably the best feature that this Windows wannabe has to offer. The developers coded a series of short clips from the actual movies into the game and placed some quotes and sounds from the movie over them. For the most part they don’t match and are off by a few seconds but nonetheless I commend them for their efforts… and then want to punch them in the throat for laying the groundwork for all of those worthless Game Boy Advance titles that contain Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh episodes.

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WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLEASE HELP ME

Finally, the last folder (hidden underneath everything else) is the “GADGETS” folder adorned with a little wrench.

FAB-DOS: If you really hate yourself and want to relive the opening sequence then I dare you to click this.

Analyzer: This is a fake Anti-Virus system that doesn’t do a damn thing.

Format: If you’d like to erase any traces of you tarnishing your good name playing this game, clicking the nuclear explosion will cure all of your life’s ailments.

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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THIS END

While this covers all of the folders, believe it or not there is still more crap crammed into this game. Clicking the little blue “MOJO” button will let you fiddle with the desktop and pick through desktops ranging from the dull and boringthe incredibly bizarre, and of course the downright fucking scary. But wait, there’s more. Clicking the little male icon at the bottom left (what I believe is the “Start Menu“) will bring up a complete list of programs (so you don’t have to navigate through the bright colored menus), the ability to kill that annoying boot sequence (or to play it again), and finally Shutdown. Yes, you have to shut the game down just like a real computer. But of course, if you’re like me you don’t give a shit either way, and if for some reason you actually wanted to play this a second time after improperly shutting it down, the game will let you know that you’re an asshole and it will bitch at you while fixing fake errors.

I understand the novelty of jokingly imitating the wonderfully stable Windows 98, but when you go as far as to bitch about improper shutdowns you aren’t just taking a step too far, you’re taking a fucking leap.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: The game is full of colors so if you’re four years old it will probably keep you entertained. When it comes to actual graphics though it’s painfully obvious there were several different designers involved because Austin Powers can go from a pale faced pregnant redneck in one game to a Hispanic looking swinger with a black afro in another.

Controls: The only thing this game has going for it is that it “feels” like you’re really using a crappy version of Windows. Perhaps they were intending to make the first PDA that primarily doubles as a paperweight.

Music: If you like grainy sound bites and strange combinations of bent notes and hanging beeps then you’ll love this game!

Replay Value: I’d rather be using Windows ME.

Overall: If you want a perfect shining example of what not to do when converting a movie into a crappy game based off of an even crappier operating system then I highly suggest you buy this game. If you spend any more than a dollar on it you’re being ripped off. Yes, I’m looking at you, GameStop.

– Dracophile