Energizing Energy Drinks Part 3

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

And so here we are, the final installment of the energy drink trilogy on RFSHQ. We are down to the final three energy drinks in the no holds barred battle of the beverages. Omega Mega Energy, Black Hole, and Jump are about to face the jury and the likes of the six brave drinks that came before them. Unfortunately, our RFSHQ forum buddy FpS ref1ex has declined a third installment after Clamato and Von Dutch performed a Mexican hat dance in his stomach.

For those of you just joining us though, each drink will be judged on Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and Energy Received.

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“Omega Mega Energy”

Appearance: Looking like something that came off the shelves of a Target store, Omega Mega Energy contains stripes. Lots of stripes. Enough stripes to make me question if this came from the 1970’s and just sat on a shelf somewhere all these years. Compound that with the most redundant name ever seen on a product and we have a real winner here. Also, what is with “COSMO” being plastered on the can? What kind of energy is this exactly? Astronaut energy? Fairly Oddparents energy?

Ingredients: Thankfully, Omega Mega Energy is a breath of fresh air in the realm of these articles. Finally, a drink that is not citrus for once. Cranberry Lime sounds strange, like one of the few million drink combinations they serve at Sonic restaurants, but at least it doesn’t sound as bad as Recon’s “coffee cola”. Omega Mega Energy is also pretty proud to proclaim there is no sugar or high fructose corn syrup in their drink. I’ve seen those Juicy Juice commercials, high fructose corn syrup looks sickā€¦ like soap. I don’t want to drink soap, I’ve already had that. It was called Von Dutch.

Smell: Omega Mega Energy almost smells like some kind of fine wine, implying that they actually might be better than everyone else. This is the kind of energy drink that Bill Gates and other billionaires enjoy, no doubt. If it’s not wine I smell then maybe it’s just expired.

Taste: I think someone got confused at the bottling plant. This does not taste bad, but it tastes like the cheap fruit flavored sparkling waters you can buy at Wal-Mart. I’m actually pretty pleased that this was bought on sale because if I had paid full price I’d be pretty pissed off knowing that I can get 20 ounces of the same shit from somewhere else for 49 cents.

Energy Received: Frankly I don’t care how much Taurine and other stuff I can’t spell is in this drink. I am convinced I have been drinking this for years, and last time I checked Taurine was a Pokemon anyways. These people are full of shit.

Rating: 8/10

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“Jump”

Appearance: I am fairly certain that this can is attempting to use its artwork and one word title to instruct the dinosaurs on what they should have done when the meteor was coming. Either that, or it’s predicting the apocalypse, my apocalypse; look at this stuff, it’s coffee cola. Recon tried pulling this stunt with me earlier and that was quite disgusting.

Ingredients: Jump has “caffeine like I’ve never had before” in it’s own separate explosion which means that this caffeine will most likely be that exciting for me, because it’s new. Jump also wants to let me know that the very first ingredient in it is triple filtered carbonated water, meaning that the base of this drink had its ass kicked three times for my enjoyment. Bad ass.

Smell: The second this can depressurized that same familiar nasty smell of coffee and cola filled the room. It smells exactly like Recon just in a smaller and more obtrusive can. Oddly enough it shares the same properties; the closer you get to it the more it smells like regular coke.

Taste: After taking one big sip of Jump, I actually cringed. The coffee is not as overpowering as Recon was, but once you swallow it it comes right back up and lingers. Because Jump is sugar free it also has the same Diet Coke taste as Recon did. You know what, why am I even writing this? This shit is Recon just in a different can. They aren’t fooling me anymore; that was a really mean and evil prank you guys. Seriously.

Energy Received: I dumped this can out and crushed it with my bare hand. Manly.

Rating: 3/10

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“Black Hole”

Appearance: Here we are, the final drink out of our original 9. Will Black Hole get that perfect 10 or will it get stuffed with a 1 or possibly even a 0? Well first of all, this can is telling me to “suck it” so I already don’t like it. Actually, it was telling me that until I rotated it a little more to reveal that it really says “suck it up”, like a black hole I’m assuming. Just like all of the other drinks it feels that it should throw them all around the lid of the can, but that really doesn’t matter because I honestly have no clue what “COQ10” is anyways, other than the fact that it is pronounced “cock ten”.

Ingredients: Aside from COQ10 and the other ambiguous ingredients plastered all over the can there are of course more listed in the little Nutritional Facts box. However, Black Hole isn’t a drink, it’s a liquid vitamin; it has a Supplement Facts box. Thankfully, in barely legible print it also defines COQ10, telling me that it’s a naturally produced body enzyme that apparently ceases to exist after you turn 20. Among the things COQ10 apparently does, “scavenges free radicals” is one of them. I’m assuming this drink lets me feast on the bodies of dead politicians. Bad ass.

Smell: Black Hole has the smell of citrus like most drinks, but there is a strange smell in there as well that I cannot identify. It smells vaguely of rotting food or something completely unappetizing to that extent, much like the other strange crap that the other drinks smell like. I think it’s the COQ10 I’m smelling. It’s the rotting bodies of the dead people I can feast on like a vulture.

Taste: If I were suck on a lime, there’s your taste. I guess by “suck it” the can meant “it” to be a lime.

Energy Received: Where are the dead people? I go could for a leg right now.

Rating: 7/10

 

Well, there you have it folks. I toughed it through the best and the worst of energy drinks, trying to power myself up to deal with life and prevent me from getting any sleep whatsoever. While nothing managed to get that perfect one-zero, I would say that the Everlast Energy from the first article was the best out of the 9, the worst of course being that horrifyingly disgusting Clamato. Its disgusting fishy aroma and taste will haunt my dreams forever. Get powered up America, it’s time you continued another health fad.

– Dracophile