REVIEW: Waddles – The Fangame of the Summer! (PC)

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

RFSHQ_noimageGame:
Waddles

Developer:
Flash Penguins

Genre:
MMORPG (minus both M’s, the O, the R, the P, and the G)

Platform:
PC

Released:
2007

So, you’re an aspiring young game designer. Your weapon of choice: GameMaker. So what do you do? A remake? Perhaps something new and original? No. The best answer is a terrible single player version of a mediocre money sink! At least that’s what the idea is if you’re Rod Rego, creator of the alleged game Waddles.

Getting started is simple enough. Follow the string of no fewer than five “DOWNLOAD WADDLES” links from the Flash Penguins¬†website and open the EXE file! Once the viruses and porn advertisements are installed, you’ll get to enter your name. The opening screen greets you with some crappy upbeat music which loops poorly and likes to cut out. This should have been a warning sign.

RFSHQ_noimage

Here I start maturely and pick the most masculine name I can think of. Waddles graphics are surprisingly high quality, as in not MS Paint. This means that Rod Rego probably didn’t make them. The game features many (eight) ways to customize your penguin. Three hats, two colors, and the option to wear a shirt or a paper bag. The fun never ends! The so-called game also features the Coins system of Club Penguin, however there are only two things to buy, and they don’t seem to cost anything. This bring us to the methods of making the money, even though the 200 you start with is more than enough. There are exactly two games: First, click seagulls as they fly by. This is like a really awful version of Duck Hunt in which there’s no dog, you can’t miss, and there are infinite bullets and ducks. The second is far more boring but the premise is a little unsettling. This time you rapidly click a tree until a log flashes in the window for one second and you’re given fifty coins. Then it stops working. Excitement! Lets move on.

Perhaps its worth mentioning the controls. While its possible to move your penguin about, its completely unnecessary as you can just click the things around you. In fact, there only three instances the player is ever required to touch the arrow keys and that’s to enter the movie theater, the horrors of which must be discussed, the cafe you start in, and the world’s loneliest dance club. The theater has more content than the rest of the game, and it only contains a fan-made commercial for Club Penguin. Too bad that doesn’t work properly either.

The commercial is an external WMV file that GameMaker, the source coding of Waddles, has extreme difficulty streaming. The audio skips like mad and the default style Windows Movie Maker text inserts don’t help. It assaults every sense, even somehow causing a foul stench to arise from depths unknown. It’s about two minutes long, but you’ll regret watching it ten seconds in. The picture is compressed so badly that trying to identify what exactly that orange blob you’re looking at is doing is impossible. Words cannot describe how horrendous this movie is, but the credits sequence is almost as long as the commercial itself. Some of the in-game text is mostly visible and the first scene is a bunch of blobs standing around doing nothing with the text bubble “This game is fun!” above them. Oh, for that to be true.

This was supposed to be a game review but that would require a game instead of a ten minute long Powerpoint presentation. Ten minutes is stretching it though, it takes less than a minute to explore each of the games locations and less than a second to become bored with them. How this took longer than twenty minutes of time in GameMaker is anyones guess. Interestingly, the credits to the game contain around twenty beta testers which is odd considering it should be impossible for a pre-alpha game to have a beta. Another thing, attempting to launch the game a second time resulted in an error which crashes the game. This probably got missed because there’s no reason to ever play it again. In the end Waddles is less fun than your average four-function calculator and should be avoided at all costs.

kraZy’s Final Words:
Graphics: Not horrible, I guess.

Controls: CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

Gameplay: What gameplay? Nothing happened.

Replay Value: It wouldn’t launch a second time, so my computer knows more than me.

Overall: This space intentionally left blank.

– kraZy