The Harry Potter Jelly Bean Challenge

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

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This is gonna be one of THOSE days.

You know, I’m not really one to buy into promotional tie-ins and whatnot, since most of those are relatively short lived as it is. However one promotional that has withstood the test of time, and even been added to frequently, are those Harry Potter-themed jelly beans manufactured by the Jelly Belly Company. Normally I love their products; they make Dr. Pepper flavored jelly beans, among other awesome confectioneries. These Potter Beans, as I’ll call them, are a turn for the worse.

No, this is not a Photoshop. Yes, that  is  “bacon” in the top left, followed by “black pepper” and “booger”. We also have such grand flavors as “dirt”, “earthworm”, “earwax”, “grass” (not marijuana, mind you), “rotten egg”, “sardine”, “soap”, and the bulimic’s favorite: “vomit“. Whoever thought this was a good idea deserves to be shot right now. Furthermore, who even taste-tested these things, and how many times?

“Nope, this doesn’t taste enough like throw-up; add more of those rotten egg and bacon jelly beans into it.”

If you haven’t caught on by now, I am once again taking off the bulletproof vest of being a totally seriou Internet tough guy to let society take low blows and purple nurples at their leisure. I’ll be covering the “bad” flavors in this package of treats and letting you know that vomit probably does taste like vomit, and I’m almost certain after tasting the fake vomit flavor the real thing won’t be too far behind. Each bean will be rated by their appearance, smell (if any), flavor (realism), and aftertaste, along with a final score to summarize each of them.

Bacon
Appearance:  It’s like an intestine colored bean with white spots. Probably what Dick Cheney’s arteries look like.
Smell:  It smells just like fresh bacon bits for a baked potato or an egg omelet. In other words, it smells like breakfast which is not a bad thing.
Flavor:  It resembles bacon indeed… burnt bacon that was cooked in brown sugar. Tasted fine for a while but then it got bad.
Aftertaste:  It tastes like I ate straight brown sugar. Disgusting.
Rating:  3/10

Black Pepper
Appearance:  It looks like a robot bean. It’s grey with dark grey spots all over it. This must be candy for those robots that build cars.
Smell:  Ach-oo!
Flavor:  It tastes like a mixture of pepper, black licorice, and water sealant. Not good at all and of course it’s sweet.
Aftertaste:  I just ate a mouthful of sawdust.
Rating:  3/10

Booger
Appearance:  It’s like a high-contrast bean, one that was painted by a 5 year old in Windows 3.1 Paintbrush. Lime green with brown spots.
Smell:  Odorless… unless of course I’m used to the smell of my own by now?
Flavor:  I was never the nerd in kindergarten that ate his boogers, but now I have to wonder what the hell was wrong with that kid. This tastes like spearmint bubble gum that someone took a crap on.
Aftertaste:  Rubber bands.
Rating:  2/10

Dirt
Appearance:  I guess they wanted it to look like a rock or something because it’s dirt. Brown with black spots.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  You know that smell of the floral/garden department of Wal-Mart? It tastes like that.
Aftertaste:  I can’t get the taste of savings and low low prices out of my mouth.
Rating:  2/10

Earthworm
Appearance:  It’s like Dirt’s younger and uglier brother. Red with black spots.
Smell:  It smells of garlic and rotting fruit.
Flavor:  One bite, tasted like utter death and Fear Factor.
Aftertaste:  I don’t know, by now I had grated my tongue off.
Rating:  0/10

Earwax
Appearance:  Earwax does a nice job of disguising itself as a Cafe Latte flavor bean… but I am on to you, Earwax. You and your cream colored skin.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  It tastes like a banana covered in salt. Not disgusting, but not the greatest thing ever either.
Aftertaste:  It’s like Donkey Kong’s banana hoard in my mouth.
Rating:  7/10

Grass
Appearance:  Trying to imitate Green Apple, Grass is a light green. Nothing fancy… it’s the minimalist bean.
Smell:  Like a football field, fresh cut.
Flavor:  It’s like chewing a mouthful of sweet lettuce. Not the greatest thing ever.
Aftertaste:  Umm, play ball!
Rating:  5/10

Rotten Egg
Appearance:  This has got to be the most menacing candy that I have ever seen. It’s huge, irregularly shaped, and is a pale yellow with blotches of green that are actually raised on the surface.
Smell:  It smells like Bacon’s companion to a great breakfast. Something tells me tomorrow I am not going to want to eat breakfast.
Flavor:  Imagine you tried eating an uncooked egg that’s been sitting on the counter for a few months; yeah it’s kind of like that.
Aftertaste:  Indescribable pain.
Rating:  -Infinity/10

Sardine
There were no Sardine beans present in this box.

Soap
Appearance:  It’s a cute little baby blue bean with little bubbles that are on the surface. It becomes ugly, though, when I remember this goes in my mouth.
Smell:  Smells like clean!
Flavor:  I just let out a string of profanities and this is what happens. This shit cleans better than Orbit gum.
Aftertaste:  I’m never swearing in my lifetime ever again.
Rating:  2/10

Vomit
Appearance:  The piece de résistance. The ominous circus peanut orange speckled with blood red.
Smell:  The scent of sickness.
Flavor:  Yup, that’s authentic alright. If I ate pure cane sugar and threw up, that’s what it would taste like.
Aftertaste:  OH GOD GET THIS OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Rating:  FUCK YOU

No amount of real jelly beans or Dr. Pepper could rid my mouth of this horrible assortment of tastes and as I write this my stomach is performing an interpretive dance to Rage Against The Machine. Some of these flavors I think are actually discussed in the Geneva Convention and if I recall correctly I believe several Japanese soldiers tested these beans on unsuspecting civilians in Unit 731. I would have preferred my arms be frozen and then smashed to pieces than eating these beans.

Hell, I’d rather have been the poor soul in the compression chamber.

Either way, I am fairly certain my digestive tract is about as angry with me as an enraged housewife who missed American Idol, so while you bask in the warm light of Internet comedy, I’ll be in the bathroom performing an action one of these beans was named after.

No, not bacon.

– Dracophile