Energizing Energy Drinks Part 2
[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]
If you’re just joining us, have a quick read of “Energizing Energy Drinks 1” to find out what’s going on here. If you’re lazy, here’s the “too long didn’t read” version: We bought nine energy drinks with the intent to taste and judge each of them three at a time. After the disgusting “Clamato” we put up with last time we figured that it couldn’t possibly get worse. How wrong could we have been? Everything is bad in the realm of energy drinks.
This time around we have three more drinks to sample. “NOS”, an attempt to cash-in on the street racing fans, “Von Dutch”, aimed towards confused and angsty teenagers, and “Stinger”, which I can only guess is meant to appeal to people who have sex with bees and other insects that may or may not wish to inject poison into your bloodstream. RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex will also be sacrificing his GI tract in the name of comedy.
Appearance: “High Performance”, “Throttle in a Bottle” even though it’s a can… “Caution: POWERFUL”. This drink is like a full-on in your face “drink this and throw a fucking car” energy drink. I’m sure if I drank this, according to what it says on the can (or BOTTLE as the slogan reads), that I could beat a thousand ninjas in hand to hand combat. Look at that can, it’s like the arrow factory and the awesome factory had some bastard kid. That kid was called NOS.
Ingredients: The ingredients here, and I’m not lying, are displayed as “POWER INGREDIENTS” on the back of the can. Nothing says POWER like extreme ingredients such as “carbonated water”, “taurine”, “sodium hexametaphosphate”, and monopotassium phosphate”. Just reading those makes me want to go out and punch old people or throw babies really, really far. Did I mention it’s also sugar free?
Smell: It smells exactly like Everlast. I’m now thinking this probably is Everlast with a much more extreme name and appearance, and unlike the wussy “blast” that Everlast advertised, NOS probably has the “BLAST” that I talked about. NOS smells like a fruit salad; if that fruit salad was made entirely of oranges and pineapples.
Taste: NOS is like if you were you get a handful of mandarin oranges and a handful of fresh cut pineapple chunks, and then clap your hands really hard. The result is some crazy citrus tang that, although is now probably exactly like Everlast, it doesn’t look, smell, or taste as puny as Everlast did. This ain’t no battery can, this is all up in your face citrus. Not that bad at all.
Energy Received: After drinking NOS, I’m not sure if it’s just my head telling me this, but I feel like playing chicken with a monster truck. Maybe it’s the “taurine” or maybe it’s the “hexametaphosphate” and the other stuff I can’t spell right, but this is clearly better than Everlast.
FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: NOS is not supposed to be an energy drink, it’s supposed to be used in cars. Not people. I think it tastes like oranges with pineapples and lots of sugar and other shit I can’t spell or pronounce.
Appearance: Von Dutch looks like the creation of Hot Topic and a 14 year old with Photoshop; lots of spikes, lots of black, lots of red, and lots of stupid fonts. I counted 7. Its insane self-promotion on the side of the can boasting coast-to-coast brand loyalty only adds to the mystery of why the hell I’ve never heard of this, nor have I seen it before. Probably because this is a bunch of bullshit and they made it up. I don’t like liars, and something tells me this isn’t “sugar free” either.
Ingredients: Von Dutch, like most energy drinks, contains a lot of sciency things that I don’t even know what the hell they are. Whatever it is though, it has that same warning that Trident gum has: “Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine”. I’d imagine it would suck to be a Phenylketonuric, just because instead of giving someone a reason of why you refused their offer of gum, you’d just have to say “fuck off”. It must be a trend though for these drinks to not contain sugar, which Von Dutch of course does not have.
Smell: This drink matches the color and scent of cheap dollar store licorice. I would hope it tastes that way, because even though it’s cheap and from a dollar store, it’s not that bad. It smells of both strawberry and that black licorice, which doesn’t have a name besides just “black” (insert racial joke here). Von Dutch would make a better air freshener than a drink I’m sure.
Taste: This tastes good for like a split second, and then IT hits you. “It” can only be defined as the liquefied version of the sour covering of Warheads candy. Before this drink rapes your tongue in the ass, it tastes like watermelon, then it tastes like the way expensive perfume smells, and then straight Warhead assault. Like I predicted, it would make a better air freshener.
Energy Received: Enough energy for me to twist my face in disgust.
FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It tastes like a margarita with shit on top. If I could rate it, I’d give it a 0, a negative 0.
Appearance: With artwork that appears to be ripped right off of a stupid 1980’s B-Movie, Stinger is smaller than most of the drinks we’ve seen so far and is about the same size as Clamato which I’m hoping that this is not what it is. Stinger is pleasant to look at, light blue with purple, and then somehow they thought white text was a good idea. I can hardly read anything on this can, except for the bee, and the name “STINGER”, along with the fact that this is also “sugar free”.
Ingredients: No sugar, “B-stack”, and a thousand pissed off bees.
Smell: Stinger smells just like those blue raspberry lollipops you used to be able to get from the bank, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, it smells like a lollipop that someone dropped into a can of beans, and subsequently threw up on. It’s smell almost has the properties of Jones’ Brussels Sprout soda that filled up the entire room immediately and would not leave like some annoying vacuum salesman.
Taste: Despite the fact that this drink smells of ass, it doesn’t taste bad at all. Stinger is a very sweet drink that tastes like those raspberry flavored Dum Dum pops but with a lot more sweetness to it. Not enough sweet to cause insta-cavities, but enough to put you off of not wanting it. That compounded with its smell is enough to make we want to throw this out.
Energy Received: After drinking Stinger, my olfactory senses were destroyed but overall I wasn’t much better off than when I started. Stinger made me feel incredibly bored, and reminded me how low I am on ideas to put myself through this crap.
FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: When you first smell it, it smells really bad like a shit tortilla. But then when you take a drink, it tastes like a raspberry tortilla and it turns out better than I thought it would.
While none of these drinks made me want to throw up as bad as Clamato did, the taste of Von Dutch and the smell of Stinger came pretty close to it. I can’t even begin to think why these companies would label their products as “good” if they have such offensive qualities to them. NOS, of course, is probably Everlast in a different can with the same ingredients. Since Everlast was our “winner” in our previous article, NOS takes the cake here as well.
Let’s all raise up our cans of whatever we’re drinking, and give a toast to good health and caffeine overdosing!
– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex