The Nutrisystem Challenge Part 1

I’m a big guy. I weigh 200 pounds and I wear XL sized shirts. In the next few years my metabolism will slow down and if I keep acting the way I do I might become a lardass. (Not likely, but whatever. It makes a good premise to this mess and I’m out of ideas.) From the same depths of humanity where that White Overnite sample came from, I’ve received some sample “Nutrisystem Nourish” foods.

For those not in the know, Nutrisystem is a new kind of balanced “diet” that — by looking at the ingredients — is primarily soy. In large doses, soy is know to give men slightly larger boobs because it has some form of women hormones in it. So if I have to start wearing A-cups because of this damn article then I won’t be too happy, but I had it coming. In this update I will be sampling three Nutrisystem products and giving my honest review of them. Here goes nothing.

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“Pretzels”

I love pretzels, okay? It’s God’s gift to mankind for us to figure out how to make pretzels. In fact Jesus actually showed up in some bakery and said to this one guy “Hey if you twist this bread like this, bake it, and throw salt on it, you’ll be a millionaire!” I believe that because it’s true. So, Nutrisystem has pretzels too and I was pretty excited to hear this. I got the bag, looked it over, but was disappointed to see it was made of soy. It can’t be that bad, so I cracked it open and took a look.

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What in the wide world of extreme sports…

Exactly what the hell are these things and what are they doing in this bag? These are not pretzels. These are some kind of weird-ass machine-formed insult to the bakery world with salt on them, if it even is salt. I cautiously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. I can’t describe the taste of this. It’s not good, but it doesn’t make my innards want to explode in a colorful mix of inhumanity. It’s like the taste of stale bread that’s been blasted with a load of rock salt. Even worse, Nutrisystem labels these as “Dessert”. No, pretzels are food, they are a meal because I said so, and they are the leaders of the snack world.

While discomforting to eat, it’s slightly enjoyable. If the rest of the food in this thing are as average of this, then anyone wanting to try this out really has nothing to worry about.

Rating: 7/10

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“Crispy Nacho Soy Snackers”

I can’t be certain what these exactly are supposed to be. On the bag they look like some kind of bastardized potato chip… but potatoes do not exist in Nutrisystem Land. Like the Pretzels, these “snackers” are also made of soy. I am beginning to think someone messed with the Nutrisystem delivery trucks if all they have is soy and imitation salts. Since cheese is fatty, I really don’t want to know what the cheese in this is made out of. I cautiously opened the bag of chips and poured some out onto the playing field.

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Almost all of the bag.

Words escape me. These look like the most disgusting pieces of food I have ever eaten. They resemble small circular replicas of a Dungeons & Dragons nerd’s face, minus the grease because this is supposed to be healthy. I nervously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. My tongue was immediately assaulted with a hard crispy wafer of pain delivered in the form of fake cheese substitutes. In the name of comedy I took another bite, trying to ignore the Dungeons & Dragons reference I made earlier. The taste would not leave my mouth, normally I’d get a Coke but that would defeat the purpose of “diet”.

If Satan’s soul were to be transformed into a “consumable good”, this would be it.

Rating: 2/10

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“Whole Wheat Melba Toast”

Melba toast resembles a piece of bread that was hit by a steamroller and then left to harden, and then to harden a second time. Just by feeling it through the package I assumed what was in here was an edible doorstop. I don’t exactly know what kind of “meal” a package of Melba toast is. Maybe it’s a snack. A very unappetizing and boring looking snack. I believe the purpose of Nutrisystem is not to make you eat their food, but to discourage you from eating food altogether.

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I broke a tooth.

I broke the toast, and it was like a very hard cracker. I popped the piece into my mouth, and wasn’t expecting much flavor. The saliva in my mouth was immediately sucked dry by the demonic bread cracker. I tried chewing it up, but it had the texture of a soggy Triscuit cracker which, for those who don’t know, feels like a mouthful of dental floss. It was disgusting and it tasted of old cardboard boxes. The unflavored bread was kicking the crap out of my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom and spit it out and drank a glass of water to fix the damage it caused.

Forget what I said about the Soy Snackers. This is the embodiment of Satan.

Rating: 1/10

Join us next time when I will subject myself to three more items of pain from the Nutrisystem menu!

– Dracophile