The Jones Soda Thanksgiving 2005 Challenge

To go along with the horrid “Jones Challenge” episode of The Radio F Show, I have written an article to cover in depth the Five Flavors of Doom: The 2005 Jones Holiday Pack. In this article I’ll be “rating” each of the five flavors based on Appearance, Smell, Taste, and an Overall score.

 

Wild Herb Stuffing
Appearance
: Wild Herb Stuffing has the appearance of watered down semen. It’s opaque and white. While I was intimidated by the appearance of the drink, I assumed it was what was promised on the label. For looking like milk with melted ice in it, I’ll have to give a 5/10.
Smell: The soda did not seem to have an smell at all. I had gotten to the point of jamming my nose into the bottle, and there still wasn’t any scent, so I can’t really rate this odorless mystery. ?/10
Taste: When I took a cautious sip of the odorless and suggestive looking drink I was expecting a blast of garlic and bread crumbs. Instead I got what tasted like pure soda carbonation and some form of pepper. While it wasn’t too great, this was one of two bottles I managed to drink in the Contest. 5/10
Overall: For a basic drink that tastes like fizzy pepper, you can’t go wrong if that’s your thing. 5/10

 

Pumpkin Pie
Appearance
: This drink looked like a slightly darker orange soda. It didn’t appear to be that harmful in the least bit, and was actually pretty fizzy. 7/10
Smell: The drink smelled like some sort of baked good, which I am assuming is the drink’s namesake, Pumpkin Pie. White it didn’t smell appetizing, it didn’t make my skin want to melt off either. 5/10
Taste: It can look and smell nice, but when it comes to taste that’s the bottom line. This tasted like burning sugar and was horrible. I could feel cavities being created in my teeth with just one sip. 3/10
Overall: It looks nice, it kind of smelled nice, but it tasted so bad that I couldn’t muster more than one drink. 4/10

 

Cranberry
Appearance
: Cranberry looked a lot like juice and didn’t look that menacing. It was also very fizzy. Looks can be deceiving though. 8/10
Smell: This beverage smelled just like what it was named. It smelled like a nice cup of cranberry juice, a common breakfast friend of mine when I actually have breakfast. 9/10
Taste: I warily took a little sip of the drink before I suddenly took a much larger drink of it. It tasted great! Just like cranberry juice, only carbonated! The only other bottle I managed to drink in the Contest. 10/10
Overall: This drink surprised me. There’s nothing wrong with this drink, and is clearly the best in the pack. 9/10

 

Turkey & Gravy
Appearance
: This drink made me feel a bit sick just by looking at it. It was an opaque brown, like backed up sink water. It didn’t look the least bit tasty. 2/10
Smell: Despite a horrible appearance, this smelled faintly of oranges even though we’re talking about a meat flavored drink. 5/10
Taste: One sip of this and I immediately grabbed for my bottle of water. It tasted so bad, like burnt toast with gravy on it. This bottle was devoid of anything good and wholesome for your well being. 1/10
Overall: It looks and tastes horrid, but might make a nice orange scented air freshener for a while. 3/10

 

Brussel Sprouts
Appearance
: The worst of the bunch. This was a horrid spinach green nontransclucent liquid that seemed to stare deep into my empty soul. I was scared for my life. 0/10
Smell: The smell of this putrid drink instantly filled the entire room with its pungent buttery odor. It got so bad that we had to open the windows to let the smell out. 0/10
Taste: I was damn near about ready to call this off when it came time for this. This was bad. This was beyond bad. The minute it hit my lips I wanted to vomit. 0/10
Overall: There is no God. 0/10

 

The only drink I wasn’t too cautious about was Cranberry, and I hate it when I am right. I was already expecting shit instead of rainbows and flowers from the rest of them but my god… those were horrible. The Jones delivery trucks should slap “Biohazard” symbols on them when they transport that muck.

– Dracophile