The White Overnite Challenge

I guess now that I’m a total Internet celebrity (note: sarcasm) I should at least look like one, right? So what’s one thing all celebrities have? That’s right. Really white teeth. To be a celebrity, I need to look like one. So… I need whiter teeth, but where am I getting those without paying my dentist $2,000 and my left nut?

Let’s leave it for the goddess of serendipity to decide. A relative of mine got a free product sample of “White Overnite” which, if you haven’t guessed by now, is a teeth whitening agent that works “overnite”. Night is spelled N-I-T-E because it’s fancy (like Nick At Nite). As luck would have it, she didn’t plan on using the kit so I politely asked if I could have it. (Politely = “Give me this now if you want to see tomorrow.”)

White Overnite consists of a syringe filled with “Dental Professional Strength Teeth Whitening Gel” that is “35% Carbamide Peroxide” that’s “Made in the USA”. This is great because if I am going to put something that resembles hair gel into my mouth I want it to come from the motherland. With the syringe is a 2 piece mouthpiece set made of rubber to put the gel into and then shove into your mouth.

How hard can this be? Let’s get started!

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This is me. Actually, this is the old me before THE TRANSFORMATION. We need a before and after picture just like TV commercials have so there’s not much to see here unless you’re a personal fan of my face.

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This is the contents of the clear unlabeled package I was given. One syringe full of “carbamide peroxide” and a mouthpiece so I can go boxing while making my teeth bright fucking white. This is my kind of product, a manly man product. I absolutely couldn’t wait, I could feel the whiteness firing out of the syringe already. (Dick joke not intended but pointed out.)

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I ran into the bathroom and filled up the mouthpieces with the 3mL of the mysterious and magical gel that would make me hot and sexy(er). When I was done, it kind of looked like someone with a vasectomy busted one in a sports mouthpiece that was destined for my mouth, but I had to push forward for the sake of good looks.

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I eagerly started to fit the pieces into my mouth which proved to be difficult. You see, the mass produced mouthpieces are kind of pointy, and your mouth (hopefully) is a very soft place. Pointy things and soft things do not really go together. (Dick joke not intended but pointed out.) But I had to tough it out. C’mon, I’m R-F-FUCKING-S, about to be R-F-FUCKING-S WITH WHITER TEETH. Now that’s a title to be proud of.

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After I had settled everything down things got bad. My mouth was instantly assaulted with the taste of plastic and lime. It was almost unbearable. The 35% carbamide peroxide was doing a fucking Mexican hat dance on my tongue, and the rubber mouthpieces were making it hard for me to scrape the goo from it. I thought I was going to die, but then there were more problems!

No more than thirty seconds after application I felt an overwhelming stinging sensation shoot across my gums where my teeth meet the flesh. I thought my teeth were going to sprout arms and legs and forcefully exit my jaw and kick me in the balls for doing this to them! But alas, my testicles were in no immediate danger, it seems the danger had now moved to my mouth area where my tongue was doing somersaults and my teeth were frolicking in poison ivy.

Unable to really swallow anything with a mouthful of whitening crap and rubber, I began drooling more than a special education room. I helplessly wiped string upon string of messy saliva and carbamide from my mouth as I watch reruns of MythBusters on TV. I think it’s about time they do a test on fucking teeth whiteners, because this particular experiment that was going on in my mouth was beginning to piss me off.

However things began to go incredibly wrong. The stinging that was going on didn’t cease, it got worse. I contemplated just ignoring it and to quit being a pussy about it, but I went into the bathroom to actually look at my teeth and gums. They were starting to turn red, along with my tongue which actually felt more numb than anything.

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I aborted the experiment for the sake of the well-being of my teeth since they were beginning to hurt instead of sting. So I had the stuff in my mouth for about 3 hours. Not quite “overnite” but if I toughed it out to the suggested 8 hours I might not have any teeth at all. So after I rinsed all of the mess and bad taste out of my mouth I looked in the mirror to see the results after only 3 hours.

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No results that can easily be seen from this picture, however the crevices between a few of my front teeth were pretty white. So really, all I managed to do to myself was to enhance the outlines of my teeth to make me look like a total dumbass whenever I talk or smile. I blame the manufacturers of White Overnite, because that shit doesn’t work at all.

RESULTS:
Looks: In reality, it looked simple enough to do. The whitening agent looked like clear toothpaste, and it looked like the mouthpieces would fit. Looks can be deceiving, though. 7/10
Ease: Once I got over how easy it looked to do, then came the hard part of trying to get it to stay on my teeth without the edges of the mouthpieces stabbing me in the gums. On top of that once the taste kicked in it was found to be very hard to not want to throw up. 1/10
Taste: Words cannot describe the pain that was incurred by this muck. -10/10
Effectiveness: I was unable to complete the full time suggested for the treatment, so I cannot be certain exactly how effective it would have been. It did whiten some portions of my teeth, so I at least know it (kind of) works. 5/10
Overall: Unless you want to make a mess of your tastebuds and teeth, do not go near this shit. What started out as a simple joke for this site could have ended up with long term dental damage or something. Not cool. 0/10

– Dracophile