Razors, Razors, RAZORS

A long time ago shaving razors had one blade. Somewhere along the line a company decided that one razor was for pussies. Two was where it was at. Two razors! One to shave off the top half of hair and then the second one to finish off what the first left behind, just like what the cheap rendered animations in the commercials showed time and time again.

Things quieted down. Then someone, maybe in a drunken rage, said “YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU AND YOUR TWO BLADED RAZORS I’M GOING FOR THREE YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOTS!” And with that, the three bladed razor was made because according to their research, two didn’t cut it at all. Stock in one bladed razors fell to near zero, and two bladed razors weren’t cool anymore. Companies started throwing in crazy things like lubricating strips and strips of lotion stuff to ease up on razor burn (bullshit).

Things got crazy when Schick said “Ok guess what, let’s go for four fucking razors and see how that goes!!” Enter the Schick Quattro. Four blades, new technology in shaving accessories. Then Gilette, with their panzy ass Mach 3 Turbo, kicked it up a notch (without the help of Emeril Lagasse) and made a BATTERY POWERED RAZOR THAT VIBRATES. Why you need a AAA battery-powered razor is beyond my mortal comprehension, but apparently it makes shaving EXTREME (or just harder to do).

Do you think Gilette was going to take that hit sitting down? Hell no. Gilette is “the best a man can get” so they kicked their competition square in the balls and put out a FIVE BLADED RAZOR. In the commercials, they explain the flaw of the 3 bladed razor (that they invented) by showing how the blades are “far apart and cause irritation”. The 4th and 5th blades magically appear in between the 3 blades to make the distance between them shorter.

I’m no rocket scientist… but instead of adding more razors to shorten the gap… couldn’t they have just moved the existing blades closer together?

HELL NO.

If Gilette is the BEST YOU CAN FUCKING GET THEN YOU GODDAMN WELL BETTER GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH. Gilette said “FUCK YOU ALL” and made the FUSION with five blades. But it gets better. THERE’S A SIXTH BLADE ON THE BACK END. FUCKING EXTREME. The sixth blade acts as a “precision blade” because the chunk of plastic and metal the size of a playing card that you’re dragging across your face is now unable to get into the small spots.

It’s only a matter of time before Schick or BIC stop crying in the corner and unviel seven bladed, eight bladed, or hell why not even TWENTY BLADED RAZORS — becuase a 20-blader will just be a solid brick of layered metal that you can just rub all over you and shave off every single hair on your body and your epidermis! And better yet, on the other side of that menacing block of manliness, there’s an entire BAR of ineffective anti-razor-burn crap; so when you’re burning like crazy and screaming in agony, you can hopefully psychosomatically end your crippling pain.

For now, I’ll just be happy with six blades.

– Dracophile