REVIEW: Nude Barbie (NES)

19image1Game:
Nude Barbie

Developer:
Darkangel

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1997

Barbie, an icon of young girls everywhere. Nude Barbie, an icon of confused teenage boys everywhere. That’s just what’s been served in the latest game to fall into my digital collection. Nude Barbie. It’s a modification of an existing Barbie game that essentially makes the plastic diva naked. Now, some of you all are thinking, “Well, Barbie’s got a nice body.” or “I would hit it.”. No, no you wouldn’t. Not in this case.

19image2

“Dear God, please kill me. Amen.”

Our adventure begins with Barbie praying to be able to go to do fun things the next day. She dreams of such wonderful stereotypical things like going shopping and getting a makeover. Why Barbie is praying I have no clue, because when she wakes up she’s about to guarantee herself to be damned to Hell where Satan can dress her up in whatever he wants, just like what little girls do. Or he can just do what everyone does. Take her clothes off and keep her in the toybox.

Barbie goes to the mall in the first round… butt naked. Her nude figure is horrid to say the least. Nothing can explain why she has pecs instead of a rack and why she has “flounder eye nipples” that are on the sides of her tits. Infact, I don’t think she is even in a mall. I’m guessing it’s actually a Wal-Mart because usually when you walk into a Wal-Mart you have to walk past all the shit you don’t like… in this case, Sporting Goods. Is it just me, or am I sensing an innuendo of her being surrounded by a bunch of balls while she’s nude? I thought so. The entire Wal-Mart she is “shopping” in is so screwed and fucked up it’s just unexplainable. There are only 3 colors in this game once you begin. Pink, pink, and pink. Your objective is to run through the Wal-Mart picking up little “B” icons on the way. It’s incredibly difficult to tell an item apart from scenery since everything looks the same, and everything is plastered with approximately seven thousand letter B’s. StrawberryClock would be proud.

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ball wit a ball da bangy bang diggyKILL ME NOW PLEASE

Enemies consist of various sporting goods, like tennis rackets and badminton rackets (which are the same thing), they only shoot different bullets at you. They’re impossible to dodge since you are unable to duck and when Barbie jumps it’s likely that Stephen Hawking could do better. The tennis rackets bounce green balls (which I assume are tennis balls) up and down fast enough that you’ll get hit every time you try to cross through it. A screen length later a badminton racket will launch birdies at you and all you can do is get nailed by them about fifty times before you can get across it. It’s guaranteed that you’ll get teabagged at least three times in this game while you play it.

Luckily, you have some kind of weapon at your disposal. Barbie can pull gems out of her vagina and throw them at shit. The problem with this is that the little gems do absolutely nothing no matter how many times you hit something. I’ve found that you can only hit two things: a puppy dog and a toucan. At first I thought that this would be like Little Nemo: The Dream Master and you can feed them gems and they will help you but after hitting the dog about twenty times I decided it’s not going to do anything and I promptly gave up on it and decided this is one of the worst games that I have ever played.

Defining Moment:
Finding out that Barbie has flounder eye nipples. Seriously. I think Mattel has little robots that come out and destroy people who try and make nude Barbie images, so this game came as a shock to me. But now since I possess a copy of this, I hope those robots don’t come and find MNETIKGNRO$J*Yngklsd.sd,.gsngljdfo…

Graphics: 0/10
Pink. Everywhere. I seriously think the overload of pink ruined my monitor’s display settings. The sprites are atrocious, Barbie is without arms in more than half of her sprites, enemies are solid colors, and everything just looks like a Hobby Lobby train smashed head on into a Wal-Mart train.

Sound: 2/10
Whoever programmed the sound for this game is a total dumbass. The background music has two channels, one of which shares the same channel as the sound effects. Because of this, doing anything in the game will cause it to fuck up the music playing and it will later pick up again once you forget about it. The music is bearable, but the sound effects are just pure crap.

Control: 0/10
This game showcases controls so bad that this game might have been made to deter young girls from playing the NES altogether. Not only does Barbie walk slow as hell, she couldn’t jump if her life depended on it. Jumping from platform to platform has never been so hard before as you will fall through them no less than 100% of the time.

Sexy Points: -10/10
Barbie was a sex symbol a while back. This game set any women’s movements back about 50 years. Barbie’s figure in this game is similar to staring at a spin art machine until you throw up. It’s that bad. The colors clash with everything, she has no fucking arms, it’s just, sad to say the least.

– Dracophile