REVIEW: Super Bros. 10 Kung Fu Mari (NES)

185image1Game:
Super Bros. 10 Kung Fu Mari

Developer:
???

Genre:
Side Scrolling Beat ‘Em Up

Platform:
NES

Released:
???

Much is unknown about this game, like who made it, and when it was released. However there is also a lot that is known about it. The first thing, and obvious since it is here, is that it blows; that was expected of course, this is RFSHQ. It’s also apparently a pirated hack and we all know that those are the best to make fun of, because we have had fun in the past with such things as Contra Function. It’s great how those crafty pirates love to pick the worst games possible to turn into a SuperĀ Mario Bros. rip off. It’s just mind boggling! Their victim of bastardization today? An already shitty game known as Jackie Chan’s Kung Fu.

185image2

Jesus Christ look at his face.

Things already look bad for this game upon starting it up. Not only does the bottom info bar not make a damn bit of sense, the uppity Asian kung pow fooey music is getting really old, really fast. It’s like buying sushi in Japan, only if you were stoned and anime choirs were shouting razor bladed lyrics at you. Since this is a Jackie Chan game, I’d really like to have seen some better moves than just punch, flail, flail, and die. The premise of this game is very confusing. There’s a short opening sequence of him doing something at a waterfall, and then running to this old guy, and then running into certain doom which is the rest of the game. No idea what it all means, or what relevance it has to the game, but it was confusing as hell.

There’s a nice array of enemies to beat up in this game, as you can see in this picture we have a demonic Krillin with a battle axe and a frog that can jump through walls. Not pictured are several other seriously tough baddies, like floating shells, floating nunchucks, and fish. Very serious creatures that if you were to confront in real life, they’d totally kick your ass. Infact, since I live near fish and shells, my insurance is just over the top. I’d hate to live near all of them and the floating nunchucks, I’d be raped on a regular basis! Luckily, Mari can “punch” at things with an arm that closely resembles radioactive feces.

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I smell Cheetahmen.

Our hero dies in a very anime-ish way which makes me want to kill something. Anything can fall the great Kung Fu Mari, as you see in this picture a thing that is missing pieces of his leg kicked his ass. Mari gets his shit ruined by a cripple; Stephen Hawking could kick his ass. Speaking of incompetence, that little icon with a 7 never goes down to 6 when you use that move, so in theory you can spin kick through an entire level.

When you die (which will happen quite often) a huge kidney falls on Mari that has a GAME OVER sign strapped onto it. Mari’s expression never changes, which makes me think he likes getting body parts dropped on him. I think there is a website for that since I’m pretty sure someone out there jacks off to Mario lookalikes getting pelted with organs. You never know. This is the Internet, and nothing is sacred. Hell, I’d buy it, and now I’ve said too much. I think it’s time this review ends before I reveal more dirty secrets.

Defining Moment:
Mari’s little anime death scene. It gave me more of a reason to hate this game more than any other game I’ve ever reviewed, with Action 52 being a close second.

Graphics: 2/10
It’s a graphics hack, so I will only rate the edited portions of the graphics. And that would be the giant head of Mari’s. It’s as big as his body, which means it is actually still Jackie Chan, only he is wearing this big fake Mario head. Jackie is Asian and he has magical powers so I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t let it effect him. He probably can’t see, which explains why he jumps and moves like a drunk in this game.

Sound: 1/10
Upbeat happy Asian kung fu music = no. It sounds like anime music, like that Naruto bullshit that everyone is orgasming over these days. I’ve seen an episode or two of that, and I couldn’t stand five minutes of their disgusting voices or the stupid ass storyline. I can’t even stand the characters, everything about the show blows ass. I also just now realized this entire paragraph has nothing to do with this game at all.

Control: 4/10
I like being able to continuously do a front flip through an entire level and be indestructible. It’s like being Jesus, if he actually flipped through the air and beat the piss out of everything. This is the game’s only redeeming gameplay quality is the fact that the pirates got rid of any and all counters in the game. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Mari jumps like a brick on Jupiter. He’s also fun to control meaning that this rebel kung fu ninja plumber doesn’t like doing what you and your controller tell him to do, so you die alot.

Jackie Channess: 0/10
This is nothing like Jackie Chan or anything he would be doing. I’ve seen this dude like, fly around in the air just by jumping off some kid’s basketball in mid air, and yet I can’t even get this Jackie wanna be to jump an inch on my screen. This is total crap and I think that I should call in Penn & Teller to confirm the bullshit, since they do that pretty well.

– Dracophile