REVIEW: Taboo – The Sixth Sense (NES)

Taboo-TheSixthSenseU000Game:
Taboo: The Sixth Sense

Developer:
Rare

Genre:
…good question.

Platform:
NES

Released:
1988

Taboo! Like anal sex! Something people don’t talk about a whole lot! I sensed mischief afoot in this game, it’s like a Ouija board minus any and all freakish and/or possibly scary ghost-pissing-off experiences and cheaper than calling Miss Cleo for a fortune. Taboo is another game I have in my infinite collection of vintage gaming that I haven’t gotten around to playing. The reason why? I’m too scared of opening the gates of Hell.

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OFF TO A GREAT START

Yes, I want to “glimpse the future” and yes, I “dare you even ask”. However, I was mistaken as this is supposedly a time machine? I thought this was some sort of random fortune shooting device. Rare’s marketing sucks! Apparently Taboo is now anything you want it to be, kinda of like your 4 years at high school they say. Only, the problem with both of these is one definite detail: No matter what you do in high school or Taboo, one thing stands out, it sucks.

Taboo requires lots of input from you, and frankly it’s annoying. It asks for your name, your birthday, gender, and then some random question; like an internet survey. I assume it’s biased towards the age you put in. I put in my real birthday, and I got all sorts of nice things like Cups and Swords (whatever the hell that means). So, maybe if you said you were 40 instead of 16, it might say something like [i]”YOU’RE FUCKED OLD MAN YOU’LL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS BITCH”[/i] instead of garbled nonsense from fortune cookies.

The shuffling and dealing sequence looks a lot like we’re preparing for a Pokemon card battle. I feel used. I thought I was going to get fortunes, anal sex, time travel, and an answer to my question. Now I get a Pokemon card battle. The fun just don’t end here folks! I can add “Kicking some little kid’s ass in Pokemon” onto my list of wonderful things to anticipate. I hope I get to kick ass after this shuffling animation is over. It’s been about an eternity so far.

Once the cutscene was finally over, I was dispensed a fortune or two:
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Game over.

Defining Moment:
Where the fuck is my time travel, fortunes, anal sex, and Pokemon card battle I was promised? What the shit?! I waited forever and all I get is some shitty fortunes! This is a total rip off!

Graphics: 2/10
Skulls are cool, overdoing it is not. Rare’s overuse of skulls made me feel like this game was spawned in a Hot Topic. Suns are cool too, overdoing it is not. I see a pattern here. Seizure inducing backgrounds and animations don’t help much either.

Sound: 1/10
No, I don’t like Twilight Zone-ish music playing the whole time I’m thinking of an important question to ask. To put it shortly, it’s kind of scary. The kind of feeling you get when someone is watching you, at that very moment.

Control: 1/10
When you have to enter 40 strings of code into the game every time you play, precision control and a slow moving letter selector helps a lot. So does a backspace as it’s nonexistent on some parts. Instead, we get a rocket speed letter selector that makes even the best of spellers look like retards. Then again, we’ve seen in the past that Rare is not the best when it comes to entering letters.

Truthiness: 0/10
I feel ripped off. Even though this is a ROM and I got it for free, I know that the mysterious copy I got at Game Crazy was a waste too. They seemed happy to be rid of it, they even gave it to me for free; I bet it’s haunted.

– Dracophile