REVIEW: Super Chinese (NES)

SuperChineseJ001Game:
Super Chinese

Developer:
Namco & Micro Academy

Genre:
Beat ‘Em Up

Platform:
NES

Released:
1986

A game that is already a racial joke, Super Chinese manages to go far from a stupid joke to “oh god it’s so bad”. I see the adjective “super” and I instantly think of things like Superman, Superglue, Super-Superness, and anything strong and/or badass. I had high expectations of this game and all I get is some wannabe ninja (winja?) who has miraculous powers like jumping and punching, and the incredible ability to rip off music and sounds from games like Kung Fu.

SuperChineseJ002

The shortest distance between two points is a circle.

Here’s our map of our wondrous adventure. Our red fellow up there is our incompetent hero who follows this route, when clearly you could just cut accross the path and go straight to the center. However this would make the game incredibly short, so Namco decided that making a Dreamcast logo map would be a great choice. I see the reasoning here. More levels = More fun right? Wrong. Imagine it like this; you have satellite TV and 300 channels, but there’s nothing great on.

Your fighting field is outside a shrine or something, graphics are just a little too far on the “what the hell” side to tell for sure. As you can see, I just knocked some fatass into the water and got 1,000 points. Just remember to jump before he hits the ground or else you’ll break every bone in your body. The brown fatties walk around and punch at things; things like air. The purple ballerinas jump around like pansies and punch at things (air). With incredible defenses like this, I see why China needed a huge wall to protect itself. Unfortunately most of that wall was made from sand and fell apart anyways. Copies of this game would have been a better choice.

SuperChineseJ004

BONUS CHANCE

If you find a Bonus Staircase, I advise you don’t go in it. Doing so will transport you to a most hellish experience like no other. There’s something terribly wrong with the bonus level. It’s impossible. See the bullets? They dont move up or down, they just make a line that’s impossible to cross. You start on the south side of the screen, and all of the items are on top. I managed to get up there before the bullets started flying, and then everything moved to the bottom side. Now all of the apples and E’s are on the bottom with the bullets. Only in the life of a ninja do you dodge bullets and get apples.

Punching rocks and boxes will make items appear. Most of the time you get things like worthless bonus points or the ability to shoot fireballs (that never hit anything). I punched some boxes here, and picked up a Nazi symbol. Now my character is Adolf Hitler! I haven’t figured out what exactly the Nazi icon does, and I don’t care too much either. I was hoping the next time a Bonus Staircase appeared I could shove them all down it and gas them; I tried that, and got punched in the face. My guy fell over and cried like a pussy.

Defining Moment:
This is a close call between the Bonus Staircase and the Nazi Propaganda. I flipped a coin and it landed on its side, so I guess that means that neither of them was a good choice to begin with. Instead, I chose the comical title of the game, “Super Chinese”. We’re super, thanks for asking.

Graphics: 3/10
The perspective of this game is just not believable. I mean, look at it for a while and you’ll see it too. There’s a wall, and then it seems 180 degrees below it the floor starts. Unless these guys are indeed Super Chinese, I’m not believing it.

Sound: 1/10
Copying crap from other games just doesn’t fly. Shows how lazy these asses were at trying to make a game. This was the first thing I said when I played my American cartridge of this game, Kung Fu Heroes. It seems the music is original, but the sounds are taken from Kung Fu.

Control: 1/10
How hard can it be to make easy controls for a system that only has 2 buttons on the controller? Pretty fucking hard it seems. Ninjas can kick and stuff right? And throw those stars? Yeah you see this loser doesn’t do that. He likes to jump around and punch things. Getting him to hit someone isnt easy either since he backs up as he punches. That defeats the purpose of charging at someone.

Super Points: 0/10
Super Chinese people are not super at all. They are far from Super on the Super Spectrum. They hit at about the Wal-Mart Door Greeter line.

– Dracophile