The Reasons Why G4TV Sucks: Revisited

Back in March 2005 I posted an article explaining why G4TV sucks the big one. The comment thread for this particular article grew rapidly as a few G4 fans were trying to defend their livelihood against people who were capable of coherent thought. Needless to say, it wasn’t pretty. Because of the drama, we return to G4TV and scrape the bottom of the barrel to finish it off once and for all.

 

Cheat! with Some New Fugly Chick

G4’s got a nasty new weapon to get those oily humans they call fans to watch their shows. They figured that if they get some lukewarm woman to host a show who makes sexual innuendoes like “joystick” not only will those ultimate losers known as “Ultimate Gamers” get huge b0nerz, they’ll also want to watch the show to see something they’ll never get. Action and pseudo-celebrity popularity. It’s the same show as before only with more reasons to not watch it now.

 

The Whip Set with A Stereotypical Black Guy

In order to get G4 to look more “gangsta” they decided to make a show about street cars. Essentially what you get is a Snoop Dogg wannabe walking around pointing out different kinds of pointless facts and features while several almost naked girls dry-hump cars. It sounds great on paper and in thought, but as soon as you watch it you’d think you were watching a rapper wedding with hydraulics. There is more entertainment in crashing your own car than there is in watching this abomination of a show “about” cars.

 

Attack Of The Show! with Sarah from The Screen Savers & Some Other Unimportant People

Where has the sanity gone? After The Screen Savers was crippled by G4’s great idea to rip apart the crew, they follow up with the “FINISH HIM!” move. They rip out the rest of The Screen Savers crew except for Sarah, and throw in some guys who look intelligent but really couldn’t eat a damn bowl of Jell-O without adult supervision. They claim to inform you of “cool crap, before it’s just crap”. That’s a punchline in itself, draw your own conclusions.

 

E3 ’05 Live presented by IGN.com

Affiliating with IGN.com to make a show about E3 is like affiliating with Stevie Wonder to make an episode of Sesame Street about color. Stevie doesn’t know jack shit about color, just as IGN doesn’t know shit about games. However, since G4 is the same way, the two of them working together could possibly make a rift in the space/time continum that will suck everything into it.

 

For the record, Victor Lucas, you are still incredibly timid, and Tommy Tallarico, after seeing you try and show off on Judgement Day all I can imagine is that your dick grew another 4 feet.

– Dracophile