Ionic Breeze of Doom

M3367S-4504

Can’t let you do that, Dracophile.

Ever seen the commercials for those Sharper Image “Ionic Breeze” things? Not sure what they’re really called, but they “clean” your air. We own one now. It’s not exactly like the Ionic Breeze, but damn close. It ‘purifies the air’.

No, it doesn’t.

It makes the air smell like ass and moldy wet cardboard boxes. I came home from school today and thought there was a serious leak and hoped the plumber was there to fix it.

“What is that smell?!” I ask.

“It’s the new air purifier I got.”

Purifier? It smells like ass and boxes!”

“…maybe that’s what clean air smells like?”

It’s sitting in the hallway of the house shining its eerie blue glow which you can see in the picture. It smells awful. I want polluted air again. I want to breathe in deep breaths of air that will give me lung cancer. This air is “too clean” if this is what clean air smells like. I farted near it and nothing happened. The air purifier instantly cancelled out the gas and didn’t even flinch.

It also makes everything feel wet. I walked past it and my face felt wet. Not wet like sweating, wet as in I just stuck my face into the time-programmed water sprayers in the grocery store vegetable aisle.

The air purifier looks like a modded PC. If it was it would be pretty cool, but it’s not. It makes the air smell bad, real bad. My room is what used to be the attic; it’s obviously the top of the house. I like cold and I never get that perfect temperature in my room. Ever. Heat rises. The bottom half of the house is nice and cool. As soon as you are three steps from my room, boom heatwave. I have 3 fans in my room plus an air conditioner. Still hot.

My room “cooks” the air as it gets in here. Therefore, my room always smells like burning paint and video game plastic. Now it smells like burning ass and wet boxes. Thanks a lot Sharper Image.

Update: I’ve been informed this “smell” was actually ozone, and that if we were smelling it the system was cranked up way too high. If left alone we all probably would have gotten ill. Thanks again Sharper Image.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: This article was the inspiration for the “Sharperer Image” project website almost a full decade after its original publication on RFSHQ.]