In Case of Emergency

readygov

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The government wants you to live in fear. The “threat” level is always through the roof. Why? Because fear sells. If you’re scared shitless of a terrorist attack, you will go out and spend money on all sorts of useless crap like gallons upon gallons of water, plywood, cement, tools, diapers, and all those other supplies They tell you to buy. Is it really necessary? No.

Ever heard commercials for the site Ready.gov? It’s a government site telling you what to do “in case of an emergency”. They also use images to help explain what they mean. Sometimes these images are really stupid. I remember a long time ago I read a website that made fun of the images from Ready.gov and that website has inspired me to make my own. The numbers of the tips correspond to the number of each image.

  1. If you are being sprayed by orange paint, stop and critically think about the rock band Biohazard.
  2. When you try to exit a building, do not attempt to karate-chop it down. By doing so you can injure your hand and the door will probably not budge anyways.
  3. If you somehow are on fire WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN RUNNING?!?!?! GET YOUR ASS ON THE FLOOR AND ROLL!!!
  4. If you are trapped under a pile of debris, do not fart. It will displace the oxygen in the air. If you do fart, try to make sure your ass is pointing toward a hole in the debris pile.
  5. If you are trapped under a pile of debris in a public bathroom, use a flashlight that you should always be carrying with you to read the graffiti on the walls. It is suggested you call Betty. She might be able to love you long time for 8 bucks, but she might also be able to help you get out from the rubble.
  6. If there is a fire or a bomb threat in a building, we urge you to lose all common sense and try to run through a door. In times of emergency, life becomes Looney Tunes.
  7. If there is an attack, depending on who you are you need to do one of two things. If you are a white guy with blue hair, blow a whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell.
  8. While escaping a building that is on fire, it is not practical to search for a lost contact lens.
  9. If the building you are in is collapsing, hide under your PC. AOL 97.0 with Brick-Protection Technology will protect you from the falling debris.
  10. If you are still trapped under a pile of debris, it is not a great time to have a rave.
  11. If you feel that you are being exposed to radiation, standing there like a dumbass for 5 minutes is not suggested.
  12. If you are walking through a park and come across dead fish, dead birds, a floating biohazard sign, and a huge orange vortex, stop walking and think critically.
  13. To escape an explosion, try taking cover in a My Size Barbie dollhouse. If you do not own a My Size Barbie dollhouse, you should. They’re impervious to radiation.
  14. If you are taking acid and start seeing rainbows and spinning vortexes, stop consumption of drugs immediately and call 911.
  15. If there are any bombs or bio-hazardous weapons, they will be obviously labeled as Radioactive, or they will not be concealed and instead be sitting out in the open.

– Dracophile