The Tube

I spend lots of my time being a general asshole about a lot of pressing issues. My responses to matters at hand are whimsical or sarcastic, but if you read for depth, you would see I’m making a statement. When I was asked about fur farming after viewing a video from the PeTA website I simply said “add some heavy metal rock to it and it’ll kick ass.” Why? Because shit happens. All the time.

The same goes for Terri Schiavo. Terri Schiavo was one of approximately 6 trillion cases on letting braindead medical patients die. It happens all the time. This time it was “of national importance” because the families were all broken up and the husband was being all pissy and whatever. Boo hoo hoo. Is it sad? Yes. It is nationally noteworthy? No.

Have you seen the movie The Ring? The one where that girl gets thrown into a well and lives for 7 days? Terri lived without food or water too. For 13 days. Terri kicked the shit out of that girl. However… what would happen… if a tape mysteriously showed up and upon viewing it, you had only 13 days to live? Now, without further adieu, here’s “The Tube”.

 

Lewis is an aspiring comedian who writes for his own website. His friend, Eric, likes to joke around too. It’s 9:30 AM on a Thursday, March 31st morning. Recently Terri Schiavo has been taking control of the news single-handed… uh… single-handedly in a metaphorical way since she can’t move. It didn’t come as a shock to the two comedians when they heard she died. She wasn’t fed for 13 days.

Their friend Ronnie, who is Asian and they like to piss him off about it, comes up to them and starts making jokes. All is funny and good, and then people get pissed at their stabs at Terri and then eventually everyone pretty much quits giving a shit and forgets about Terri, because, something more important has happened. Giant… uh, mutant… BUNNY RABBITS have invaded Ch– Chinapan and are wrecking everything! (Yeah I’m going this route.)

Well, it’s been 12 days or so since the bunnies and since Terri died. Lewis and Eric are busy looking up porn on the Internet when a certain news bulletin on MSN.com catches their attention. “Disturbing Terri Schiavo tape found”. They clicked the article expecting to see some medical malpractice crap, but instead it was a lengthy documentation describing a video that was found in a flea market shortly after her death was announced. MSN said some crap like, it was footage of her in a hospital bed flying off of dirt ramps and falling off and driving it off cliffs and then random shots of water, a rubber factory, Richard Simmons workout tapes, and reruns of Good Times.

It was worth a good laugh. Then the next day some jerk off in California was found dead in his living room. The authorities are baffled at his death. The victim’s face looked like he had died of hyperventilation by laughing too much. They found in the VCR an unlabeled tape of Terri Schiavo’s off road escapades with Richard Simmons and Chico & The Gang. The kid died 13 days after viewing the tape.

Obviously, Eric was 100% for finding this tape. He went to the #1 reliable source for anything you want: eBay. Sure enough he found the tape listed there, but oddly enough he found it while searching for “Hot Playboy Party #7 boobies tits btatas yum yum” The bidding was up to 5 dollars (Canadian) and so Eric bid 37 cents and won the tape and refused to pay. When the seller emailed him, Eric sent him Goatse and then the seller called it a fair trade.

So with the auction won, the two comedians sit around. And sit around. Played Pokemo-I mean, sat around. And then as Lewis came home from school he saw a huge box, the size of a freezer box, on his porch. He phoned Eric who came right over.

“You open it,” Eric said.

“No fuckin’ way asshole, you won the auction.”

Eric glared and then took the tape off the box. Sure enough the tape was there, and there was also this 8 year old little bitch who kept spouting out random crap about the video and Terri. He was pretty damn annoying, and after 5 minutes the two were already tired of him. They took the tape inside, and the kid followed, even though they shut the door on him.

Eric was putting the tape in the VCR when the kid said, “I don’t think you sh-”

He was cut off by Lewis who was sitting on the couch, “MAN SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

The yelling caused the kid to start crying, and then Eric started laughing so the kid was crying more and Lewis was cracking up and the kid cried so much he died. It turns out they were ripped off. The tape that was sent was actually a compilation of Kodak film commercials, but since the two tapes seemed so close, they didn’t know the difference.

There was no phone call after the movie was over, and the movie lasted like 4 and a half hours. 2 hours of the tape was some jackoff doing yo-yo tricks. However, the yo-yo tricks were so fucking awesome it had to be paranormal Terri Schiavo stuff happening. When the yo-yo show was over it showed a bunch of sports clips, and then some stock video of rivers. Then the movie ended with the Kodak logo.

“This means something.” Eric said.

“Yeah. We got 13 days now.” Lewis replied. “We need to go to Kodak River or something and do yo-yo tricks or else the ghost of Terri Schiavo will never rest.”

“Damn dude. What else was on that tape? Shit I saw a lot of basketball. Do they even play that in fuckin’ Kodak?!”

“I hope so or else we’re goners. Let’s go to Expedia.com and get some plane tickets.”

“Awesome.”

It turns out a typographical error “Sexpedia” instead of “Expedia” kept the two entertained for a few hours before they bought plane tickets. Even worse, the ones they bought were for Beijing, China which is nowhere close to Kodak. Lewis said he learned a lot in history and said for sure Kodak was walking distance from Beijing.

The next day the two end up in Beijing and are thoroughly confused with the time change and if that counts toward the 13 days or not. To answer the question they visited a Chinese medium who used an American Ouija board.

“DUDE! I know how to work this shit!” Eric said. “You like, move the thing and it says stuff.” Eric took command without asking the old man. He put his hands on the thing. “It takes a while.” Eric sat there for about an hour before he got pissed and threw the Ouija block across the room and stormed out unhappy.

The two walked for a few hundred miles spanning 7 or 8 days and didn’t end up in Kodak. They kept walking until they met face to face with a huge wall. In China.

“Great.” Eric said. “Since when is China like fucking Unreal Tournament? WHEN IS THERE FUCKING BOUNDARIES!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS REAL LIFE GODDAMN IT!!

~Player Eric has been kicked from server RFSHQ for Excessive Profanity.

Eric was still pretty upset about the whole wall thing. He walked over the the billboard that said “Welcome to the Great Wall of China!” and used some spray paint to make the sign say “Welcome to the Great Wall of VAGina!” It was worthy of a few deep laughs, and then the two realized that they only had 5 days left until Terri Schiavo’s dead ghost would hunt them down.

They brainstormed on a bench when the light of God shined down on them. A bus passed them. It said Kodak Tours on the side. It was like Jesus got a Hot Wheels out of his collection and set it down in front of them. A tour bus. To ‘Kodak’. They both knew what to do.

Five minutes later…

Eric and Lewis were forcefully shoved out of the bus. “What the fuck. Tour passes? What kinda shit is that?!” Eric mumbled.

Lewis stopped him from walking as he had a great idea.

The two of them sat on the back bumper of the bus unnoticed and took a free ride that lasted 4 days and 4 nights. On the 5th day, oh wait. Hold on. They rode the bus for a long time. Then when the bus stopped at a gas station to refuel, they saw it. The Kodak Tobacco Factory. It’s not quite Kodak, but they knew it was the right place, and just in time.

“Waaaaait.” Eric said. “We need like, yo-yos and shit. Remember the tape?”

The two of them turned around and stared at the Chinese Circle K gas station. They would have what Eric and Lewis needed to conquer Terri Schiavo. They walked in and got 2 yo-yos each and said the dude on the bus will pay for it when hes done with the gas. They also picked up some basketballs and jerseys. They were ready.

5 minutes later they kicked open the doors to the tobacco factory. Lewis had dual yo-yos and was swinging those bitches around like no tomorrow. Eric had on the basketball jersey and was trying to do some mad basketball skillz. All of the Chinese sweatshop employees stared in confusion at the two Americans acting like total jackasses in their building.

Eric ran toward the industrial paper shredder and did a slam dunk into it. There was a loud bang as the basketball was totally destroyed and made into several little rubber rolling papers. The two of them kinda froze with that “oh shit” face. The yo-yos Lewis were swinging swung around and smacked him in the face.

There was a long silence as Eric looked into the paper shredder and Lewis bled profusely from his nose. Then all of the Chinese employees started laughing and clapping.

It was at that time they realized their journey was not about Terri Savano or whatever her name was… it was about the poor Chinese employees. It was about the bus driver they ripped off. It was about the Great Wall of VAGinas. It was about Bill Cosby and pudding pops.

That is what The Tube really is about. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of discounts at Wal-Mart.

THE END

– RKPTJg and Dracophile