REVIEW: NES “Grab Bag”

Sometimes there are games I really want to beat the piss out of but I can’t seem to come up with a page and a half of content for one single game. Well, since I am a self-proclaimed genius I have conjured up an idea to allow me to pick three really bad games that my imagination can’t even begin to comprehend the suckiness of, and make them into one review!

RFSHQGB1_Image1Game:
NES Test Cartridge

Developer:
Nintendo

Genre:
Diagnostic

Platform:
NES

Released:
198?

Okay, it’s a test cartridge, but still none the less, it is an NES-released cartridge. This is how the people at Nintendo found out if your NES was either working, or a piece of shit destined for Goodwill.

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Pictured above: SCIENCE

But how, exactly, do they find out if your NES is working or not? Well, they plug it in and put this cart in it. If it doesn’t light up, flash, beep, or buzz in the right way, your shit’s ruined and they’ll charge you $50 to fix it when the only thing wrong is likely a loose wire or bad connection. Good move, you just lost 50 bucks. I would have hated to work for Nintendo back then fixing systems. You know how stupid people can get. They wont plug the damn thing in right and assume it’s broke and will demand refund and not take no for an answer. They piss me off.

I think Nintendo has hidden Nazi propaganda in their test cart, because I could feel some odd feeling while this was on. Then again I had been feeling weird all day, I’m telling jokes on the Internet.

RFSHQGB1_Image3Game:
SCAT – Special Cybernetic Attack Team

Developer:
Natsume

Genre:
Side Scrolling Shooter

Platform:
NES

Released:
1991

With a name that’s a synonym of “shit”, “crap”, and “dookie”, SCAT already isn’t looking too bright. SCAT tries to reinvent the already diluted genre of side scrolling shooters like R-Type. For this section I will do my best to avoid the “scat” jokes, but I don’t think that will last long.

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I’d rather play SCATTERGORIES huehuehue

The controls for this game are a bit off. You shoot forward, but when you hit left, your guy pulls a 180 and faces the other way. That’s a little unnecessary. Once an oncoming ship passes you, it doesn’t turn around, so why have your missiles start going left? Enemies are coming from the right, not the left. You’re, in deep shit no matter what.

The game lets you know — in super enhanced voice — that the Earth is indeed in serious trouble and you need to help save the planet! Wow! How original! It sounds like he is talking out of his ass. So how do you protect Earth? With a sissy ass jetpack. No spaceship for you. No airplane for you. No, you dont even get a suit of armor. You get a jetpack and a laser gun. Now go save Earth you pansy.

RFSHQGB1_Image5Game:
Who’s Cuter?

Developer:
Damian Yerrick

Genre:
Mall Survey Wannabe

Platform:
NES

Released:
2000

For years we, well maybe you, have argued who is cuter? Hanson or Pikachu? Hampsterdance or Pinnochio?

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Yeah thanks for the caption.

A Lego man or a dump truck? No really, what the hell is that? I think it’s a mountain of fat.

Damian Yerrick”s hellspawn called Who’s Cuter is essentially like an annoying mall secretary who asks you to take a survey when you’d rather take her life (or maybe out to dinner). Who’s Cuter is the ultimate humiliation question giver. Who would you rather bone, a Lego Man or a McDonalds Customer? Zak Hanson or a Japanese Poverty Inducing Scheme? A Furry Pet (if you’re into that kind of thing) or a Wooden Puppet?

That my friend, is the ultimate question.

– Dracophile