REVIEW: Yo! Noid! (NES)

YoNoidTitleGame:
Yo! Noid

Developer:
Capcom & Domino’s Pizza

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1990

“What the fuck is that?!” Five words every player of this game will say upon playing this NES game. Yo! Noid, another thing that prompts a “what the hell” response. This game, title, and characters as you will see, make no sense at all. That is this game’s problem. It makes no sense at all. It’s also a complete piece of trash but that’s obvious.

There were two developers of this game: Capcom and Domino’s Pizza. One of these two makes games like Mega Man that kick ass. The other one makes large pizzas for 10 dollars that taste like vomit. You figure out which one is what. The Noid, Domino’s mascot (I think) looks like what you would see if one decided to watch Teletubbies after smoking an ungodly amount of pot.

YoNoidImage1

What the fuck even is this I mean REALLY

Yo! Noid is one of those games where you play it once and decide its a horrible game. Then you play it again and say, “Well, this game isnt bad, it’s atrocious!” Domino’s + NES = crap. Putting Domino’s in the same room as programmers is like sticking a fork in a microwave. Rumor has it that since this game did not sell, Domino’s invested in a DR Woodchipper 4000 and made a limited edition “Gamer’s Delight” topping for their pizza.

Noid, the rabbit who accidentally was hit by a church bus, must traverse an extremely perverse landscape to go somewhere. Where that somewhere actually is… is unknown to me. More than likely it’s an ass grabbing party. Among the places he will go is a pier, a fence, some dog house thing, a farm, a horribly built city, and a few other places that I have yet to figure out what the hell they are supposed to be.

YoNoidImage2

Again I reiterate this makes NO GODDAMN SENSE.

I managed to get through Level 1 somehow. It’s quite possible I wasn’t even playing and the demo movie was playing for me and I thought I had won. Let’s just say for now I was playing. From there it just got worse. Noid runs around and smacks enemies with a yoyo. Yes, a yoyo. A plastic disc attached to a string that Noid proceeds to beat the piss out of old people with. I never found anything better than a yoyo. Maybe they have a yoyo ball on the game somewhere because those are freaking awesome.

Noid’s adventure involves collecting joints to get high and make the illusions in the game become even more worse than the screenshot above shows. Note the old cranky fisherman desperately trying to get some weed before Noid. Supposedly, this is the pier level, and that is the most fucked up pier I have seen in a long time since hurricane season. I live on the Gulf Of Mexico, when a storm comes through shit gets torn up but this pier takes the cake. Hurricane Rosie O’Donnel really took a bat to it. Gray fish, disgruntled janitors/fishermen, and sea gulls will try to foil your plans to become the crack head king of the Bronx. Remember, you can school their asses with your yoyo and make them fall off the pier and die/drown/explode.

YoNoidImage3

I give up.

Pizza Eating Contest. Just what we need. A plug for Domino’s to advertise eating pizza. Also, do we really need another deformed rabbit affiliated with Domino’s? This pizza contest is really a Math-A-Thon in disguise. The purple dude will pick a number. You pick a bigger number. The difference between the two numbers is how many points you get. If you screw this up, you are retarded.

Here is an equation to aid in explaining this phenomenon:
A= # of shit loaded pizza you will eat
B= # of artery clogging pizzas the other guy will eat
C= your score and amount that your cholesterol level rose
A – B = C

Just in case you are a total dumbfuck and can’t subtract worth a damn, you can use some items that make your number double or makes the other dude lose a turn. If you have schooling experience higher than kindergarten however, you won’t be needing them.

Defining Moment:
Domino’s actually tried to make a game. I never recalled seeing Noid anywhere else. Ever.

Graphics: 2/10
Let’s be blunt. Noid is ugly as hell. He looks like one of those disgruntled JC Pennies employees that has to dress up as Santa’s Elf at Christmas time. He’s trying to smile, but he’s just not getting there.

Sound: 2/10
Domino’s is a pizza joint, so I’m not really surprised their music sounds a lot like a Chuck E. Cheese’s that’s been hit with a Stinger missile. You’ve been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s before, I know you have. You know what their abysmal upbeat pizza time crap sounds like. Imagine some Mario rip off music with the same upbeat Chuck E. Cheese’s rhythm going on and on.

Control: 4/10
Yo! Noid is not the most difficult game to play. All you do is jump around like those guys from Bayou Billy and chunk your dollar store yoyo at people and get joints. It’s a deceptively simple game the first level is easy unless there is something wrong with you. After that the skating rink will kick your ass.

Superhero Wannabe Points: 10/10
Doesn’t Noid look a lot like some loser superhero that never caught on with the kids? Noid runs around in a partially masked red suit with a big “N” on his chest. Doesn’t Batman do the same thing only with a cape and a different logo? And why does that jerk even have a cape, he can’t fly–

YoNoidImage4

– Dracophile