REVIEW: Cheetahmen II (NES)

CheetahTitleGame:
Cheetah Men II

Developer:
Active Enterprises

Genre:
Incomprehensible Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1992

No fucking way.

That’s all I could say when I saw this. With the “success” of Action 52, Active Enterprises decided it would be an excellent idea to make a sequel to one of the games from their shitty multicart. I’ve heard of better ideas in the past, such as putting metal objects into plug outlets. Making a sequel to Action 52 is not on that list.

I honestly hate Active Enterprises after playing this game. It is beyond horrible. If you take everything bad about every single game in Action 52, put it in a blender with some dog crap and hit puree, this is what comes out. Everything about this game is just a trainwreck of horrible graphics, broken controls, impossible enemies, and nasty music. It’s an orgy of bad sound effects.

On the other hand I actually admire Active Enterprises’ work. It’s clear that they are trying to piss everyone off with their crap, and they are still doing far beyond an exceptional job of it as well.

CheetahImage1

Quality control doesn’t exist.

I seriously question the intelligence of the developers. Look at the screenshot above. What;s wrong with it? They can’t spell the main characters’ name right. For the record, I did not edit this image in any way except to enlarge their serious typo. This is the only typo in the whole game that I have seen, and it just so happens to be on their characters’ name. This error made me actually watch this abysmal story.

Not only does their plot suck the big one, but now they can’t spell for shit. Maybe, if there were more than two Active Enterprises developers (Billy Bob and Bobby Bill of South Alabama) they would have been able to afford a spellchecker or some form of quality control. I wasnt even reading their intro screens and I somehow sensed stupidity and ignorance. It’s my 6th sense. I looked for less than a second and I knew there was something going down. I add to the laughter aimed at Active Enterprises’ shortcomings because these dumbfucks deserve every ounce of it.

CheetahImage2

404: Enemy not found.

Among the many enemies you will encounter, or rather, get your ass kicked by, is this disembodied suit of armor. If this is not further proof for the authorites to raid the Active Enterprises HQ for angel dust, maybe these New Kids On The Block albums I found there are. Besides the suits; eagles, snakes, some trippy ass ants, a wolf, tornadoes and some other random incarnations from The Weather Channel will try to attack you, and most likely succeed in sending your Cheetahman into a spiraling vortex of unimaginable pain.

Most of these guys are too low to hit, so you have to jump over them. The eagles are too high to hit, but you will hit your head if you don’t jump, and hit your legs if you do. No matter what, you are screwed. You can’t jump and shoot at the same time, you can’t duck, you can only mindlessly hop around like and die in 6 hits, which come very fast.

Not only are these graphics the bastardized love child of MS Paint and a meth addict, but they are also so damn bright you lose track of where you are and end up letting eagles and ants pelt you to death. Again, excellent use of IQ on Active Enterprises’ part.

CheetahImage3

FURRY CONVENTION: THE GAME

Here we have what looks like a cross between an iguana and a human, but with the mentality of a rock. I have no clue what this is supposed to be, but this is Active Enterprises we are talking about here, so never mind. Shooting arrows pisses it off and makes the bulky thing run warp speed (where he then subsequently kills you). Only in Cheetah Men land. I can only guess that thing must have escaped from the head of one of the programmers. It was added into the game because it was crap, and crap belongs in this game, just like crap (and roaches) belong at KFC.

It’s amazing that every aspect of this game sucks so badly. Usually there is something in each game I review that I like even the least bit whether it be music, a character, or even an item or something. This game… this… this hideous thing has nothing. It has MS Paint-ish graphics and annoying music. The music is so horrible that it will turn your testicles into ovaries.

Defining Moment:
You got me on this one. There is not one thing anyone could possibly enjoy about this game. There is no game over music or screen. There are no good looking graphics. There is no music that does not make your head plusate and ache like horrible Kidz Bop music. There aren’t even good controls for the game. This game has done it! It’s worse than Action 52!

Graphics: 0/10
The game looks kind of like Super Mario Bros. but with an incredibly simplified set of colors and patterns. Every aspect of the graphics are horrible. Some of the enemies look out of place like they were coded by an entirely different person or stolen from another game.

Sound: 0/10
Imagine the worst elevator music you have heard. Now digitize it and add in one monotonous drum loop. This is what you will have to put up with the whole time you play this thing. Once you hear this music, it’s too late. You cannot be saved. You are one of them now.

Control: 0/10
The controls for the game are nonexistent. You can’t jump over half of the enemies you see. You can’t shoot low guys. You can’t duck. You can’t jump and shoot. All you can do is move left and right and shoot some lame ass arrows and do a few jumps. That’s it. Your arrows miss constantly and because you cant jump and shoot eagles and just about everything else will hit you.

Ninja Turtles Rip Off Points: 10/10
Anthropomorphic animals that have ninja weapons and spout out random catchphrases, gee where have I see that formula before?

– Dracophile