REVIEW: Castle of Dragon (NES)
Seta USA, Inc.
Hack & Slash
I was expecting to possibly be seeing some cool dragons and stuff in this game. After all, it’s in the title. One problem. I keep forgetting that what you expect in these kinda games is not what you get. Castle of Dragon is a game that I do not recall ever seeing on store shelves, even that clearance rack at the Bargain Barn and I think I know why.
The object of this game is simple and used more than that fucking “Matrix Bullet Time Effect” in movies:
- Meany dragon captures stupid princess.
- Your character is a retard.
- You must beat the piss out of guys trying to stop you.
- You fight the dragon.
- You get “dat ass”.
Castle of Dragon makes it very hard to get “dat ass” in the end. The game uses a brand new kind of fighting style I have called “Crap-Combat”. This new kind of sparring style lets you have a sword and shield which do absolutely nothing at all and adds +1 to your characters Wimp Level. This combat style allows your character to get the shit kicked out of him, and works very well on this game.
Okay. Here is our stereotypical meany dragon seen here flaying away with our retarded princess. I don’t have a clue why she is dressed in a dress at this hour, but who cares, my statement of her being mentally fucked is probably true.
Let’s call the dragon “Dragon” for now, and the princess we can call, uh, “Sex Slave”. Your character should be aptly named “Wimp”. Wimp’s mission is to get through the castle and beat Dragon and save Sex Slave. Then from there Wimp proceeds to get “dat ass”… but since he is gay, he gets it from the king not the princess.
For some odd reason and I don’t know why, the castle is filled with hundreds of guys who apparently are all of Dragon’s bitches. They bump around and pelt you with shit and try to stop you quest of “dat ass”. Among the guys who will be violating you are skeletons, zombies, skeletons, skeletons… skeletons… and some skeletons. Waaaay too much variety for my tastes.
I fail to see the point of carrying a big ass metal shield if the damn thing doesn’t do anything. I have enlarged a selection of the image to show what I mean. Observe… you can clearly see me not wanting Wimp to get a lobotomy and holding his shield in front of his Fabio wannabe face. Now look at the large white thing going through it. (No not that kind of large white thing you sick fucks I’m talking about the sword!)
This shocking revelation leads me to believe Wimp’s sword is from the 4/$1 rack, and the other guy’s is from the 3/$1 rack. Seriously, 8 cents makes a big difference in plastic rigidness and durability. I should have invested more than 25 cents on a cheap ass shield and gotten the not-as-cheap-ass-but-still-sucks-big-donkey-balls shield.
Surprzingly enough, I killed his ass and got through the rest of the level by jumping around madly hitting any button I thought would do something. (aka, I played leapfrog with the other enemies) The boss is a freakass Grim Reaper wannabe who throws marbles at you. Once again, Wimp’s ghetto shield didn’t do crap so Reaperboy ended up pegging Wimp in the head about 40 or 50 times with marbles before I found out playing leapfrog with him didn’t work.
This is the big map of where your homosexual journeys will lead you. Notice that Wimp’s head is in the Castle of Faggotry, his homies’ crib. Looking at this map, it is safe to assume that his quest will lead me through the deadly Buttrape Forest, and final to the Dragon-Who-Stole-Sex-Slave-And-Is-Doing-Tha-Humpady-Dumpady-With-Her Castle. Map provided by Mapquest(tm).
I never got to see what was in that castle and frankly, I could care less. My reasoning (which is something that is 99.9% correct) lead me to beleive that Dragon was raping her in that castle. If I did make it that far (if other guys didn’t throw shit at me) then I’d probably piss myself laughing seeing Dragon gettin’ “dat ass” in 8-bit imagery.
I felt damn proud of myself after beating the first round. Then I saw there was like, 20 more after it. I guess the game was good for the 30 seconds I thought I had won. I was celebrating with Tootsie Rolls, stale Doritos, and room temperature Gatorade. I had the phone and was about to call some friends over but them the next round started and I ended up throwing the phone across the room and broke out a window.
I’m pleased that I could see what was attacking me, even though those types of enemies are in every damn game ever made one way or another. If you can prove me wrong I’ll nail a board to my ass. The castles were real bland though. I couldn’t stand living in those times. The rock wall and hoorendous carpeting decor on the wall would slowly eat my mind until I would lock myself in the lavatory eating my own poop.
The title screen music reminds me of that stupid ass Beetleborgs show on Fox Kids. I watched that show once like 8 years ago and said word for word, “This is the worst shit I have ever seen.” That’s all there was to say about it back then. I remember when I ate at McDonalds and got a Beetleborg toy instead of a Sonic one I wanted. Those assholes at McDonalds wouldn’t give me the toy I wanted so I ended up blowing the Beeltecrap toy to hell in my driveway. Scorch mark is still there.
Oh. My. God. Seta USA managed to get 1 control right in their game. Sideways movement. They missed par score by doing these following no-no’s:
- Sword is too short to hit anything without getting face stabbed.
- Your metal suit clad hero performs a friggin moon jump.
- Your shield (as shown above) does as much as a bowling ball in the desert.
Stereotype Points: 10/10
This game gets all of the common NES game scenarios and problems and manages to fit them into a small, gray, plastic box.
- Dragons (although I don’t mind this)
- Skeletons and other undead Jacko worshippers
- Difficult gameplay
- Graphics that make Bob Dole look like one sexy mofo
- Music that causes explosive diarrhea