REVIEW: Super ASCII Bros. (NES)

ASCIITitleGame:
Super ASCII Bros.

Developer:
SL1ME

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
?

Hey does that title screen look vaguely familiar? Yeah, I thought so. I thought I was going insane for a second there. After playing Action 52 I’ve been put on heavy medication. The screenshot resembles Super Mario Bros. Oddly, so does the music. And the gameplay. But you know what??? It’s not. This is teh uber r0xx0r s00pr ASCII br0s xtra uber 1337 ed1t10n! w00txxorz!!1

I don’t know why anyone would be sick enough to take a game already great and wonderful and make it into some kind of two color crap pile. This game is a perfect example of a 24K gold game turning into pure 24K crap. In this case, the medium through which he transformation took place was an uber 1337 hax0r script kiddie.

I guess we should all bow down to SL1ME’s uber 1337ness or something, but I would rather show my appreciation for his work by having Fred, my pet two by four, meet SL1ME’s face. I’ve seen a lat of craptastical Super Mario Bros hacks in my time playing NES ROMs. Carnage, All Night Nippon Bros, and a few others are bad, but this, this one takes the cake, er, crap.

ASCIIImage1

Above: Hell on Earth. Not pictured: God.

OMG LOL WTF ^_^ ROTFLMFAO!1! I do recall this location in the non-crap version of the game. Look at it now. Look at it! Everything is so… so… awful! See how ASCrapII ruins it all??

I hate the graphic/character used for AssCII Mario’s head. You won’t believe how annoying that goddamned thing is staring right back at you while you try to figure out what the hell 3/4 of the crap on your screen is. And it’s smiling. Smiling because he has down syndrome or something like that. I made him special after Fred kissed AssCII Mario’s face.

ASCIIImage2

I bet their go-karts are broken.

The castles now look like some retarded race car palace. Or NASCAR. Either one is shitty. Anything that involves a checkerd flag and could be considered gay is inside that castle. I’m not up to par today, I can’t name all the stupid things in there, GeoCities wouldn’t allocate me the space anyways. I must be off par because I’m still scared as hell after dreaming about Asian people throwing sharpened pencils at me. That was weird.

I can’t stand most n00b terminology or spelling. One of my favorite quotes concerning this was said by Nanaman of RA-Reborn’s staff:

“If you use anything besides the regular LOLs and such, I will personally come to your house, shit in your mouth while you sleep, and kill your family.”

I don’t know if it is even humanly possible to take in 3 zillion pixels of 100% unfiltered crap per minute. It could very well make you retarded or special. In other words, it will make you ride the, ahem, Short Bus. Action 52 also has this effect.

ASCIIImage3

Does anybody even know what’s going on anymore?

It took me about 15 minutes to figure out what the hell that thing made of inverted happy faces was. Don’t see it? Its right above the ??’s with the eyes. I had to go back and play the original game to see what the hell it was. I got tired of playing though, so, I guess I’ll never know. It didn’t really matter to me anyway.

I had an image of what Bowser looked like, but it started burning my retinas out so I had to delete it to save my sight. Imagine a picture of Bowser. Now, take 4 pounds of LSD. Now go look at the sun until you turn colorblind. Finally, go look at a pile of shit. There you go.

Defining Moment:
*glare* Not funny.

Graphics: 0/10
ASCII Art is a double edged blade. Sometimes it’ll look awesome. Sometimes it’ll look like crap. AShitCII Bros is the second outcome. It’s graphics are junk, as I have pointed out, and you have seen firsthand. I could do better with Notepad. With nails in my hands and with Richard Simmons threatening to touch me “there” if I did not work.

Sound: 5/10
The game still has its original music, which I never really liked anyways. It’s migranie inducing powers have been working their magic on me since the game’s release. I played the game on mute and found it 100% more enjoyable because that was one less thing for me to cringe about.

Control: 3/10
The new and “improved” graphics make identifying potential bad guys and identifying items or coins about as easy as trying to control an autistic kid without using violence or sedatives. Usually I avoided anything that moved, whether it be good or bad. I didn’t want to find out. The outcome is always the same: stupid.

1337ness r0xx0r Pointxxorz: 10/10
This is about as 1337 as you can get. Turning Super Mario Bros into an ASCII crapsterpiece and calling it a game is the apex of 1337ness, and, hax0ring 1337 people can sometime be annoying, especially when they trash a good game like chubbies attacking a salad bar.

– Dracophile