REVIEW: Mystery of Triangle (NES)

MysteryTriangeTitleGame:
Mystery Of Triangle

Developer:
Compile

Genre:
Shape Finding Adventure

Platform:
NES

Released:
1987

Ever wanted to be able to run around an abandoned city and beat the piss out of elves, beach balls, planes, cars, and robots? Ever wanted to play as two characters at once and do the same thing? Ever wanted to rescue kitties for bonus points? No? Neither have I.

The object of City Adventure Touch: Mystery Of Triangle is very vague. You pick “Start” then it throws you into some trippy city with a population of zero people and a million pissed off creatures of various types. There is no one intelligent to talk to and endless swarms of midgets come running in to beat you up or something of the sort. All you are able to do to stop this madness is… punch.

Yeah, that’s about it, and I’m not surprised. The game’s demo shows the two guys hurling softballs at the attacking midgets but I played for at least an hour and found no such softballs to peg little people with. I bought a few items, but then I realized the game is taking your money because none of them do crap for you.

During your journey to find the mysterious three sided shape of doom you have a girl in a red dress to tag along with you wherever you go. She has no real purpose but something tells me she is the reason “touch” appears in the title of this game. Seriously what kind of a name is that? “Adventure Touch”. Last time someone went on one of those the police were called.

MysteryTriangeImage1

helo i am bear how do i help u

I know the game is in Japanese. A lot of the ROMs I downloaded are in Japanese. I can’t read it, but when your controller only has two buttons it can’t be that hard to figure it out. Even if whatever that ugly naked fellow was saying was in English, it still really would not make the game any better. It still sucks.

I’m about 99% sure whatever he is saying doesn’t really add to the mystery of the secret octagon pentagon thing. On second thought, our friend up there could be saying: “I really would like you go store buy pants me.” I mean, what else would a naked shaved bear say?

MysteryTriangeImage2

Pictured above: Hate crime.

This is about where the game was the most fun, I just totaled that elf. Yeah, he looks harmless — and more than likely he was — but he was walking toward me and I had to find that mysterious hexagon and that jerkoff wasn’t talking.

Also notice the magical beach balls to the right. I ended up kicking their asses too. It doesn’t matter where you go in City Adventure Touch because more and more insane objects will attack from all angles. Pretty soon you’ll be facing cars and robots and crap like that. I haven’t gotten past that stage yet, because by then I was in a stupor-induced coma. I don’t know if it was a coma or if I was just sleeping because of the gas lighter in the oven that didn’t light that I left on for an hour.

I’m almost certain after the vehicles and robot stage that the final boss the holder of the sacred dodecagon, Richard Simmons, would be waiting so I stopped by the shop to get some useful items at the “Do It Yourself Store” to prepare myself for the ultimate battle for the isosogon. Apparently all you need in Japan are staplers and they cost about 150 life points each. Since we don’t pay for things with our blood here in America, I don’t know in dollars and cents how much a Japanese stapler costs. Probably about 17 cents.

MysteryTriangeImage3

Do you like to “Do It Yourself”?

I bought a stapler, because that’s all Japan has to offer I suppose. I was ready to staple a few “OWNED” signs on some elves too. I played some more and figured out how to select items (two buttons, told you it wasn’t hard). The stapler didn’t shoot anything. I couldn’t even get the damn guys to hold it!

Stupid cheap stapler. I should go return it but I don’t know if the people at the store would give me my blood or someone else’s. That’s how AIDS is transmitted in Japan, by returning things to the store. So, I kept the stapler as a reminder never buy things from Do It Yourself Stores in Japan.

Defining Moment:
My best experience playing this game is letting that chick in the red dress get hit. She gets down on her knees and cries like a wuss. I mean, how much damage can a midget really do to someone? Especially ones that look like Santa’s elves. What, did they go on strike or something?

Graphics: 2/10
Maybe that wasn’t a stapler I had bought. It was orange and looked like one, so I assumed it was Milton’s stapler from Office Space. The graphics are so bad, I can’t even tell what the hell I’ve been picking up as items most of the time. Maybe the thing I bought from the Do It Yourself Store was a toy truck, who knows.

Sound: 4/10
I guess some of the music is not really awful, but since when do you beat the piss out of 2 foot tall people while listening to upbeat music? Grand Theft Auto doesn’t count by the way. Some of the little fanfares played throughout the game get irritating real fast. When I save a kitty, I don’t want to be rewarded immensely, I was going to take him home and eat him anyways.

Control: 1/10
The character swap feature is not really useful. The other dude is exactly the same only he has a different color shirt on. Your character can only punch. That’s lame. I mean, how are you going to find that shape of doom by only punching midgets? And how the hell does that stapler/truck thing work anyways?

Geometry Points: xy^5/(5z-rf7.77)
This game in an insult to mathematics. Not like I care but where is the triangle they speak so highly of? Maybe a big ass billboard with a triangle and arrow showing where to go would help. The only help I get is a naked man in his home behind a table. Thanks Compile, thanks a lot.

– Dracophile