REVIEW: Action 52 (NES)
For years scientists have wondered where the universe originated. For years I have wondered why the NES eventually died off. Now I know why. Action 52 and its craptastical crap is the reason why Nintendo tipped their hats, said “Welp…”, and stopped production & support for the system.
Action 52 is the pinnacle of crap. This game should rightfully be renamed “Action Crap”. In fact, the game is devoid of any action whatsoever. Because of this, I vote that we simply just rename it “Crap”.
What’s sad is that developer Active Enterprises made this abysmal thing in 1991 and tried to sell it for the wallet sucking price of two hundred dollars. I would rather take two 100 dollar bills, roll them up, put them in my nose and set them on fire than spend the money on this game. Who would want to spend $200 on a piece of crap? Crap doesn’t go in an NES, it’s likely going to break the damn thing.
What’s funny here is that you can tell by simply looking at the game that Active Enterprises was dead serious in trying to make a truly awesome game filled with action. In this case, “action” is simply another adjective that is slapped on multicart turds to make them appear good. There are various ways to see how determined the programmers were in making something good; the title screen music is one example, it’s so cheap it’s hilarious.
You have a great selection of games with descriptive titles including:
- Silver Sword
- Jupiter Scope
I’m still wondering what #04 is. Im pretty sure it’s an abbreviation for “G-Force Faggot”. While that image is still right up above, isn’t “alfredo” (#09) some kind of cheese? I’m pretty sure you get it on Italian food at those weird restaurants with all the paintings of tomatoes and onions on the walls.
There are 2 more full pages of shit titles after this page. Most didn’t work, so that saved my sanity, or, what sanity I had left after playing Eliminator Boat Duel.
That incredibly fantastic cat thing from the title screen is called a “Cheetahman”. Isn’t that the most original name in the world? Seriously, I mean, even I can’t be that creative. I would have said something totally boring and generic like “Catman” or something. Active Enterprises really got a 1-up on me there.
This is the only game that I found that worked, and, just by looking at the title screen it’ll set your retinas on fire. By playing for two minutes, I understand the story line perfectly well: You must traverse the terrain of an alien race through their ass; escape from the ass of Bob-O the alien before you die! Ooze is about as fun as trying to play a Game Boy when you are a quadruple amputee.
The music for Ooze sounds a lot like something you would hear on a Hello Kitty game or something kiddish and girly like that. Actually you know what? I think playing a Hello Kitty game would be more enjoyable than playing Ooze.
One Hour Later
I played Ooze again, and I discovered that when you die, your character’s head turns into a pile of green dog crap. Or alien poo. Whatever it is, it’s number two for sure. That green pickle monster up there hit me with a glowing turd and look at what happened to my guy.
I also couldn’t get past that area, because your player cannot move and jump at the same time. Your only options are:
- Get crapped on by pickle poo monster
- Fall to death
Well, clicking on Unload ROM was pretty fun. I found myself turning this on a few more times just so I could shut it off again. Don’t play this game. If you do anything with your life, avoid Action 52 at all costs. Having your friends come in your room and see you playing this is more embarassing than having them walk in on you when you are looking at furry porn. You’ll have a shitload more explaining to do as well.
I base my judgment here over the one game I had played, and that was Ooze. Those graphics were probably drawn by a hobo claiming to see meteors and penis aliens. Every aspect of Ooze‘s art was based around trying to make something look as worse as possible on purpose.
I’m giving them a 4 only because their title screen music is so awesome it’s horrible. As soon as I realized how cool these dudes were trying to act, I immediately realized this was going to be an awesome ride. *boomshakalaka yeah* LIGHTS! *boomshakalaka yeah* CAMERA! *boomshakalaka yeah* ACTION 52!!!
I mistakenly found out I was playing Action 52 with a Sega Genesis formatted keyboard script and it didn’t make a damn difference. Maybe this is because no matter what button you press, the game either freezes or you have to play Ooze. I’d rather pick choice number three which is castration by rusty soup can lid, but Action 52 only supports Dollar Store games, not Dollar Store surgery.
Economic Depression: 1/10
At the steep price of 200 Washingtons this game had the potential to wipe out the nation’s economy, should it sell well. Active Enterprises’ plan to drain the economy and start a new U.S. Dictatorship and kill everyone failed because of the overall crappiness of their Nazi game cartridge. The only reason this field did not get a 0 is because you know somewhere in some toy store a three year old was kicking and screaming that he wanted a copy of the game…
Nice try Active Enterprises, next time don’t make a piece of shit and sell it for $200.