REVIEW: Eliminator Boat Duel (NES)

ElimBoatTitleGame:
Eliminator Boat Duel

Developer:
Electro Brain

Genre:
Boat Racing

Platform:
NES

Released:
1991

Let’s get something straight first. See that green alligator? I like him. Now that we have covered what I like about this game, let’s discuss the games bad points. Mr. Happy in the pink motorboat is a fruitcake. I can tell just by looking at him. He’s wearing pink and is driving a pink motorboat. I like to imagine myself in the green boat. Why? Look at the image; I’m about to flatten his panzy-ass waterwagon with my bitchin’ green boat of doom!

I’ll admit, a duel in a boat does sound pretty awesome. I’ve seen one before on a James Bond movie and I must say, it kicked some serious ass. A game where you have a boat duel has got to be cool right? Wrong. Things in James Bond movies are not as good in dollar store NES games.

ElimBoatImage1

The name says “furry”, the face says “child predator”.

Right about here is when I wished the rifle wasn’t downstairs in a locked cabinet. I wanted this shit off my screen pronto because hitting CTRL+ALT+DEL on my crappy Windows machine wasn’t doing anything except making things freeze. As soon as I saw that my first opponent was a Jesus/hippie lookalike, I knew this game would slowly devour my insanity until I would throw my neighbor in a hole and yell “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON!”

From experience, J to the C lookalike, I know broken and damaged crap usually performs worse or doesn’t work at all. And for the record Heysoose… I ain’t groovin’ on anyone’s boat. Especially yours because I’m not interested in the X-Box in your bedroom.

10 MINUTES LATER

ElimBoatImage2

First I park my boat. Then I fuck your wife.

I ended up kicking Jesus-look-alike’s ass big time. I owned him and got 49 grand for doing so… and he still gets $27,000 Not fair! Just because he looks like someone famous doesn’t mean he automatically gets a lot of money for taking it like a bitch!

He doesn’t have a hot model with a huge rack with him though, although I’m pretty sure that is his wife. They have matching clothes. So really, I kicked his ass and got his wife. The game doesn’t show this next part, but soon after I was done on the Winner’s Platform, I was “groovin” with her in my boat. The 49 thousand dollars is just a perk of winning, I mean, I got a trophy and some ass, and the guy who is beginning to look like Stephen Spielberg only got a pissant sum on money.

ElimBoatImage3

Brought to you by proto-Impact.

The fun really ended right here. I guess the game displayed this because I was making fun of Jesus, hell I don’t know. Maybe it had something to do with me starting the race before the flag dropped, but who really cares? I mean, I have $47,000 left and a hot passenger in my boat now. Actually, I had quit paying attention to the game at this point. I was too busy laughing it up at my own jokes. I don’t know if I was fined $2,000 or given $2,000. Maybe Jesus said “FINE” and gave me money. I don’t remember. And if I was fined for starting before the signal, I had an excuse. The lady and I had some more groovin’ to do.

Defining Moment:
That’s a very good question. I would say that taking the hippie’s wife was the highlight of the game for me. That and getting $49,000 for kicking Jesus’ ass. I still think I should have gotten more though for beating the crap out of a 60’s man who looks like the Son of God.

Graphics: 5/10
The faces and models of the people aren’t all that bad really, but racing is pretty hard. Sometimes I can’t even tell what the hell is an item or a bomb or whatever keeps making my boat flash disco colors. The view in the game is usually top-down and it makes it very hard to see what is ahead.

Sound: 5/10
I really hope you enjoy hearing the same little riffs over and over again. Maybe even a few buzzes and scratches thrown in for good measure. The music in this game is comparable to that of Fatal Run for the Atari 2600. Every time you get hit, it will play some weird ass laser gun sound effect or something similar to a woo-woo sound.

Control: 2/10
These boats suck. Let me say that. When you are racing, the CPU gets complete control. You on the other hand can mash left down on the directional pad and your boat will barely veer to the side. I’ve discovered that shouting obscenities rather than even using the controller will get you somewhere better.

Danger Quotient: 9/10
I don’t know about you, but it is pretty damn dangerous to be racing Jesus Christ in motor boats, taking his women, and taking his money. It’s also pretty dangerous/stupid to be racing through a marina littered with toxic waste barrels.

– Dracophile