REVIEW: Contra Function 100-in-1 (NES)

ContraFunctionTitleGame:
Contra Function 100-In-1

Developer:
???

Genre:
Pirated Multi Cart

Platform:
NES

Released:
???

I am quite aware that these Korean 100,000-In-1 cartridges are 101% bullshit. I should know, I own one of them. The abysmal thing I have is shaped like a Nintendo 64 controller (with missing analog stick) that plugs into your television via A/V composite cables. The second player’s controller is a Sega Genesis look-alike. Anyone with common sense knows that these two things don’t match. One has a crapload more buttons than the other one does, which gives the Nintendo 64 rip-off an advantage because you have twice as many buttons that don’t work!

I downloaded this knowing full well it would end up on this site. The maker of this wonderful waste of plastic is unknown, and for good reason. Just think of all the plastic trees they had to cut down in order to make this vile disgrace to anything it touches or is within a five mile radius of. I haven’t seen the actual cartridge, but how the hell would you fit this loaded thing into the NES? I mean, this Taiwanese plastic hunk of games must be bigger than the slot the games go into. I would imagine that trying to put this in your system would be like trying to shove the triangle through the square hole on those shape sorter things.

ContraFunctionImage2

The best part is that they tell you what Up, Down, Left, and Right do.

This 100-in-1 comes with many wonderful nuggets of joy. The game’s name, “Contra Function”, implies that there is indeed Contra on the ROM somewhere. Well, I found it. 16 times. As it turns out, they don’t work! No kidding! It’s like going to a monster truck rally and having them race golf carts with frilly pink lace! This magnificent thing also has classic gems like “Fancy Mari”, “Bros.”, “XO Brother”, and “Mario”. Oh wait, those are all the same game. Never mind.

ContraFunctionImage1

supar mayro 4 suepr pleyerz!!1

Don’t ask because I have no clue either. That hideous “Mario” thing looks like he was dropped as a baby, into a car crusher or something. He wasn’t hit with the ugly stick, he got whacked with the whole tree. He also kind of looks like he has a job at the Krispy Kreme donut place, I mean, look at that goofy ass hat on his head. The game in the picture up above is named “Bros.” according to the programming (which is usually spelled wrong or incomprehensible). For some reason, and hopefully a good one, the crew decided putting a “2” in the logo would be a good idea. A castle was also haphazardly shoved into it for good measure. This must be one of those picture-word puzzles from the newspapers! We have a retard, castle, and a number 2. It must say: “We tricked you stupid American!”

As you can see, you have a very wide variety of top-of-the-market NES games at your disposal to play anytime you feel the need to be blasted with a retardation laser. Among the best of the best are “Contra16”, “XO Urbancham”, and… “Balonfight”!! Let me tell you right now, I will whoop your ass in Balonfight. You just name the time and place.

When I see the same game listed four times in succession, with each title varying only by the number suffix, I question the real intelligence of the creators. If they can make a compilation cart, then why the hell don’t they lie about the names of the duplicates? I mean, a simple “Shoot Badguy” or “Raidbase” title would make it seem believable. These people should have electric clamps on their nipples right now. There isn’t a single game on here that is worthy of being played. Let me rephrase that. Who couldn’t resist a game where the instructions say “PRESS A KEY ENTER PLAYGAME”! Sadly, and I mean really sadly, the best part of this is the title music, which is more than likely stolen from some unknown game.

ContraFunctionImage3

Club Penguin circa 1989.

The game shown above is “XO Antarctic”. The whole point is to get this penguin-looking creature across his… “Antarctic adventure”. You must accomplish this task by running fast and jumping over ice cracks and seals. Picking up a flashing rainbow flag will tack a propeller on your penguin’s head which you can hover with for a second. The levels are assorted in length, and the goals are the stations posted around the outskirts of the continent. You know, the ones put there by the USSR and crap.

This whole freakin’ game is pointless. If you look at the map before each level starts, you will see that your course will take you to the same place where you started. Not only this, but your character has got to be some government experiment superpenguin. There is a speed meter in the info bar up above, along with a distance meter. When you are running at top speed, which isn’t even very fast it seems, the “Kilometers to go” counter starts to rapidly go down. He is the 6 Million Dollar Penguin!

Defining Moment:
It’s too hard to decide. There are so many games and bad English lines! I guess the best part was decoding the secret message in the “Bros.” game title. I just figured out Blue’s Clues!

Graphics: 3/10
I’m giving this crap such a low score because the programmers never made it past the first grade. It’s not extremely difficult to spell “balloon”. Where the hell did “Balonfight” come from anyways? What’s bad is that it was spelledĀ right on a different menu! Most of the games they stole kept their original charm, but with the Chinese crap thrown in, it just isn’t the same.

Sound: 5/10
The title screen music is about the best sampling of tunes on the ROM. I didn’t get a taste of all the music of the games, but when the only difference between names is a number, I don’t think I was missing out on much. By then I had passed out from too much Balonfight. The sounds were pretty bad. The developers probably had shoved a 100-In-1 instrument toy-piano keyboard chip inside the cartridge to play them.

Control: 3/10
The “original” games that were programmed are about as fun as having your family jewels smashed on a rail during a skateboard bail. There’s a game on there that is a lot like your average plane-shooter, only with spaceships instead. I was hoping that pressing A would let you shoot bullets, and B lets you fire a special. Well, I got robbed. A and B do the same damn thing. I got tired of it real fast, and I ended up going through most levels by simply setting the controller down on the desk and letting the enemies fly past me.

Entellagence: 100-in-1/10
These programmers are pretty stupid. That’s not saying much when a game is spelled right on one screen, then totally butchered on another. These guys have got to have some kind of supreme intellect because who puts 16 Contras on one cart, and has only two that work?

– Dracophile